How to Spot a Cancer

Video Transcript

"Hi, I'm the Star goddess and here's how to spot a Cancer. Cancers rule by the full moon, and as a result, they have a big, round, moon child shaped face, much like John Glenn. They are pale in color, regardless of what their ethnicity, and they're usually lighter than the rest of their family, much like Derek Jeater. These guys are the moms of the zodiac, taking care of the children of the world, much like princess Diana of Wales. Cancer rules the stomach, the breasts, and fluid filled sacks, and normally they're fairly well in doubt much like Ann Anderson. They carry enormous purses with everything under the sun in it just in case, and the men carry the same amount of stuff in their briefcase and in their cars. These guys are softly rounded, they like to eat, so it's hard to Cancers to keep weight off. Like the moon pulls the tides, Cancers are the most moodiest sign of the zodiac. They can be happy in the morning, crying in the afternoon, much like OJ Simpson and Mike Tyson. They're represented by the crab, a creature that has no vocal chords, they can be crusty n the outside, James Kagney, and soft on the inside, like George Steinbrenner. You can tell when a Cancer is in the air because they always have something to eat, and something do drink. And the first thing they do is offer to take care of you in some way or another. You can tell you're a Cancer if you're like the United States, born on the fourth of July, and you want to take care of the rest of the world. That's better living through astrology, I'm Janet Sciales, the star goddess."