Comments on: How to NOTES FROM THE HEARTS OF MOTHERS OF GROWN, MARRIED, SONS

on 9/28/2008 Platesfull,
I am so very sorry about your situation. I can't tell you enough.

It is heartbreaking and just the opposite of my life. I'd never do such a thing to our son or you for that matter.

I think they are terrible people. I think you are going through so much right now that you shouldn't have to go through.

Sure, he should love his family but to throw you out like this is beyond terrible.

Her day is coming. You just wait. She will not be on this earth forever and will have to live with what she's done at the end of her life.

I pity her. Right now, you most likely can't do that but just remember, she's the one who has lost and she chose to do it.....keep your chin up if you can.

Lots of us are pulling for you.

on 9/28/2008 Hi LuLu12. I have never heard that term before - Clock Cleaning?
I am one of those people who prefers to have a few close friends, than lots of acquaintances. I guess I had hoped that they would be friends, but things were horrible from the moment we started dating.
And I had had that thought that if he is so lovely, than that should be a reflection of his family as well.
But my Ex, his position was too protect me and himself by keeping us apart...until Death Do US Part, LOL.
I've never met anyone so aloof before, it's a really weird feeling, being around them.
But they have decreed that if we ever get back together, he will be disowned, and he loves them so much, he couldn't cope with that. And I wouldn't ask him too, except it leaves me and our son out in the cold.

on 9/28/2008 PlatesFull,
Just as some of us deal with the opposite situations, others, such as you, deal with impossible situations too.

I'm so sorry. You have had a clock cleaning...an awful thing to have happen to anyone.

My heart goes out to you. You have been done so wrong.

on 9/27/2008 When they rang I wasn't allowed to speak with them.Every visit FIL would take son away and tell him that I'm no good for him.The pattern of grunts and traffic talk happened at every visit.Usually I would snap and they would take off.
They took son and grandson to visit relatives and told me I was not family.My spouse replied well you're not.
We broke up,and my MIL has had rare moments of kindness.FIL and SIL continue to be nasty about me. My Ex says it is difficult for him to be friends with me because of this, but to respect that he is managing it, and that he knows their quirks better then I do.But I let fly at MIL and told her some home truths about her son. Now I haven't heard from my EX in ages.His son misses him. I did write a gracious apology letter to the in laws ages ago but SIL didn't pass it on. My biggest fear is that anything I do will be regarded as insincere.It has take

on 9/27/2008 Okay,reading through these messages I get where I went wrong with my Ex MIL.I wanted a relationship with her, but perhaps because I wasn't particularly close too my own Mum, I may have held too high expectations of my MIL.

But my Ex MIL has a history of disowning her son, whenever she doesn't agree with his relationship choices. But she is always there too pick up the pieces. So my partner didn't even want me to meet his Mum or his sister EVER. I put my foot down when I was pregnant and said they meet me before the baby is born or they only see the baby on my terms. He said he would wait until the baby was born and visit them - just him and the baby.

Finally I won. I got grunted at by his Dad, his Mum moaned about the traffic, they were extremely rude to my family who turned up unexpectedly. And then they took off, not to be seen again for ages.

Whenever they rang to speak to t

on 9/23/2008 Angelgirl,
You did such a good job at what you wrote. I'm happy for you that your pain is lessened. Mine is still raw after all these years.
I try so hard to just make it. I only wanted a family.

I wonder if I just gave up and quit trying. I wish I'd never had children.

To lose one like this is too hard. Some days, I just don't want to go on.

on 9/23/2008 I have gone through similiar things with my daughter in law. That's why I wrote how to be a good mother in law/father in law. I was going through deep pain at the time.

on 9/21/2008 Oh Jewel and Sing,
What you've both said is so true..but so hard to do!

You think you're getting them out of your heart but boom! there they are again in your mind.

A daughter in law who wants you out will get you out at all cost. Life goes on and for me, sometimes I think I don't want it to go on but it does!

All my love thrown out like trash because of jealousy. Do you ever look around and see the happy families and feel sorry for yourself?

I do. I have to snap myself back together and know that maybe it will turn out okay.

I know you're both right, our health, mental and physical is important too.

on 9/16/2008 Jewel 49-- What you said made a lot of sense to me and I also do not want to be around toxic people. I will try to live without them and feel better about myself. Sing

on 9/14/2008 Its been years since we saw our grandsons or their parents. Its sad, but our life actually improved once they booted us out. Being around toxic relationships is bad for your health, your marriage, your peace of mind and even your finances. We finally let go and moved on. We have more friends (even young ones who love for us to be grandparents to their young children). What caused this estrangement was never explained, but our guess is our daughter-in-law didn't like us and our son wanted to keep his marriage together for the sake of his children. That's life sometimes, but its not the end of life. We focused on us and although we miss those grandchildren, we will most likely live long enough to see them as adults. Our health has improved immensely.

on 9/11/2008 Now that I think of it I also complimented my daughter-in-law but it meant nothing to her. What creepy people they are. You almost feel like they are from another planet. Marriage should be an extention of the family not complete removal of the parents of the man. I would still like to believe that old saying "what goes around, comes around" They do not have a son as yet just a daughter and perhaps the b____ will never know what it feels like to be the mother of a son but hopefully she will get it back in another way and soon. Sing

on 9/10/2008 My son and his wife live very far away from me. When I do visit its brief 3 days, and while I'm there its like walking on eggshells. When I come home, I start getting emails about how horrible I was to her, how I didn't respsect her, etc. I started getting anonymous emails at work saying I was going to hell, that my children hated me and I was evil. This went on for weeks. I was able to identify the sender from the IP address and it was my daughter in law. I didn't tell my son but told her I knew it was her. She was so, so sorry. But then after another trip, I started getting nasty emails directly from her. Always about her and things I supposedly did to her. I know how I behave around her and I don't do the things she says. I don't comment on any child rearing, I constantly compliment her and it still doesn't work. I got cursed at because I forgot to take my shoes off when I came

on 8/21/2008 I appreciate your comments. Self defined victim? Is that it? I'll buy into anything these days.

Maybe that's what I am. Yes, they do need space to form their family. They have it; if we move further away, we'll be in the North Pole.

It's not a matter of his family interfering, it's a matter of a woman who has no concept of integrating another group of people into their lives.

It's her family, I mean her children and her husband. No one else other than some friends.

What happened to common decency and love between family members? Where did it go? I am not used to a young woman speaking to their elders in the manner they do.

God help their children. The next generation will be worse.

on 8/20/2008 As I read these comments....the words self define victim comes to mind. If you take responsibility and take a step back, you will realize that your sons and daughter in-laws are merely trying to be a family of their own with their own rules to work with. I have had my bad days and good days with my son and daughter in-law like all family do. However, I have been able to step back and let my son and daughter in-law make create their own way of life regarding my grandchildren. Even if you don't agree, it is what they feel is right and that should be respected. You have to take the right step and understand anger and resentment will not grant you the time you want with your son and grandchildren. Your the parent no matter what and you need to show that you love them by asking your daughter in-law and son you do not want your relationship to be what it is today. You will do anything to see y

on 8/15/2008 Hi Singdoreme,
I have discovered something within the last day about my situation. My DIL will not allow anyone to talk to one of hers, and that includes my son, without her there.

This includes her Father,who is still living. Her friends are not allowed to speak with anyone without her there.

She has to hear every conversation. She stores up what is said and then when she needs the information to use against someone, she has it.

I now know why Son feels freaked out when he is alone with us. I feel freaked out too. If she is anywhere in the surrounding area, she runs over like a demon from hell to hear what is being said.

To say she is controlling is like saying Hitler was kind of mean to Jews. She is a control freak in every sense of the word. Why would my Son need that?

For Heaven's sake, I can't even control my washing machine and don't want to.

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