Comments on: How to Deal With an Overbearing Mother

on 1/22/2009 i am a 44 year old male. i had always loved my mom and somehow i was always happy to help her however i could. i am gay and i don't believe i am gay because i got much more love growing up from mom than dad. i was never too close to dad. i had always felt that he favored my sister. i was always to blame or be put down by dad growing up. i know deep down he loved me. he was always most generous and i believe that as i got older he tried to be a friend to me and be much kinder in how he would relate to me. i will never forget the kindest words he would relate when writing me. i believe i am gay because i was born this way. it's natural to me and if this is to be defined as genetic than be it. as i got older i realized my mom overbearing relationship. i managed to break away and move out on my own when i was around 27. i lived the most amazing years of my life in california till my dad pas

on 12/15/2008 "Realize ... you won't ever be able to change her." Not a good start in my mind. If you think she people can't change we might as well all climb back into the trees and fling poo at one another. Evolution is a reality. It can happen. Stay the course. Set rules and boundaries. Oddly enough at a certain age your mom is not much different from your child. In fact worse because she most likely has not been disciplined in many many years. I don't have the answers on how, and I think that for every case it is likely to differ. My mom is a control freak. I am her baby boy (even at 40). She makes my wifes live very difficult. Added to this my mother's mom died when my mom was 5. She does not know the grief of an overbearing grand-parent in child rearing. I have even resorted to recording her and playing it back to her and she still sees nothing wrong. I did it in front of my siblings and even th

on 12/8/2008 How do you deal with an over barring brand spanking new mother in law. The boss of the house type of mother where she has been the only women in the home and now here you are "stealing" her first born. Or so it feels like to you. thanks!

on 6/27/2008 I suggest not setting boundaries until you've really looked at your part of the problem and have a course of action. I think that really understanding how boundaries work and that you can only change yourself... you can begin to make baby steps to separating yourself and becoming an independent person. Also, letters can be misconstrued or seen as disrespectful. This may give mom a reason to not hear what you have to say. I know it's hard to sit in front of her and not withdraw to feeling like a child or old habits but letters don't allow for tone or feedback. This is the hardest thing I will have ever dealt with but you need to do it!

on 9/16/2007 I agree with all of your advice. But it is all easier said than done. I have even tried to remain calm and respectful. However, I have gotten to the point now where I could care less how she feels or what she thinks and I have let her know that. I just feel like it's too much and the only way to deal with it is to be brutally honest!

on 7/16/2007 Hopeless Case

I am a 50 year old woman who has been forced to live with my mother until I can get back on my feet after a divorce and illness. This woman is making my life miserable. I left town when I was 24 and haven't returned until now. I now know why I left and vowed to never return. I had forgotten how crazy and overbearing/controlling she is. She is constantly questioning me, putting me down, complaining about every thing I do and generally making my life miserable. She completely disapproves of me and even though she claims to love me, and only trying to be helpful, I swear she must hate me. And the really horrible thing is I'm starting to hate her. I plan to get a place as soon as I can, but for the moment, I'm living in an absolute hell. It was wonderful to read other's comments on this subject. It made me feel less alone and isolated in my little corner of hell. I'v

on 4/2/2007 I am 34, happily married, with three children. I hvae raised my children well and only asked my mother in 13 years to babysit once. I am independent in every aspect of the word but somehow when it comes to my mom and dad I am weak. Only because I can't deal with the arguements and the blaming anymore. I have panic attacks now, my hair is falling out like crazy, I have lost 70lbs and forget little things. I live right next door to my parents and it has been hardship on my marriage. Thank GOD I have a wondeful and supporting husband. My parents went and bought a doublewide mobile home and sat it right across their driveway in their yard!!! We were renting a house to save money to buy our dream home but my parents couldn't have their daughter renting so they went and bought this mobile home. Well, my family and I have lived in it right next door to my parents for five years!!! Did not buy a home and move yet because we feel obligated to this mobile home even though it's not in our names. Just because we don't want to just leave and leave my parents with the mortgage. We NEVER asked for this and when we told them we want to move they place the guilt trip on us. What am I to do???

on 3/31/2007 I have an overbearing mom and I'm trying to deal with it now still. I'm in my late 20's and early 30's and I hate it when she croaches onto my boundries. Earlier, during my 20's my mom became extremely obssessive about me going for the collage orientation. You know, the ones that collages organize before the term starts. I had my own opinions and views and would feel rather comfortable not going for it as I had known back then that this orientation would cause me to engage collage life on a wrong foot. I live near to where my collage was and there was convenient transport available also. And in addition to opting out for the orientation, I also wanted to opt out for hostel accomodation as I thought that I might need space to breathe. Instead of granting me my harmless wishes, the worst and the inevitable happened. So then there she was, persisting like a mad woman that I go for the orientation and literally kicking me out of the house forcing me to stay in hostels which I did not want to. There were countless times when I was woken up in shock during naps with loud thuds of fists banging on my door and the voice of my mom shouting for me to go for orientation and what not. I was so sickened by her that my resolve for academic excellence had dissolved and my grades suffered. However, I still got a degree though honestly, it wasn't a very good one. After when I've graduated, by some divine providence, I landed myself in the R&D department of a research intensive company. The work and the environment suited me just fine. Though I may not get to see and mingle with many people everyday, I'm still not complaining though. Because I liked it there. Oftentimes, I think that crowded places are much too claustophobic for my taste. It ended up that I did very well and my research actually flew. The innovative papers written, materials gathered by me and it's implmentation on a prototype have and always been amongst my most prized possessions. Having found my confidence and strength again, I then began looking for other avenues of establishing my talents. Thankfully, the world dosen't just look at your degree or your first degree for that matter. I've decided that it was time for me to go for a docterate degree by means of a masters course. I'm now waiting for my term to start and am hoping to use whatever advice has been given on this forum. I've already looked into the first step of seeking acceptance from myself and found so much confidence and talent in me. I will not let this one go. Besides mom (which has been one major obstacle removed I hope), I will still have to tackle people in school which I think I would be able to if I maintained a low profile. Thanks for all the info!

on 3/27/2007 Overbearing Mother - Before you decide that it is your mother who is overbearing, ask yourself how many times you are telling her your problems, how many times you are being perceived as needy. I think sometimes we mom's try so hard to solve all the problems in our children's lives that it backfires on us. There are times that I know much more about my adult child's life than I want to know. I am not asking; they are driving to my home, sitting at my kitchen table and telling me their problems. Then, when I give advice or try to solve the problem, all of a sudden I am being an overbearing mother. Don't even get me started about the mother-in-law position in life!

OK. I truly do understand your point to some degree. I had to learn this the hard way. My mother and I were so close that I shared more with her than I should and now I am in turmoil.
Well mine is even more difficult. I am have been with my three childrens father on an off for over 12 years. We broke up for 3 years right after our son was born and then we got back together. During this time, my mother came to live with me (after she left my stepfather) and never wanted to move out. It was only suppose to be temporary (months turned into years).

Once he and I decided to get back together and rebuild our family, she really started acting up more than before. She informed me, my children and my entire family that I put her out for a man. Mind you (she would not work, she would not go hang out with any of her sisters, she would not get her own friends) only me and my children. I can not blame her for all of this because I allowed alot of this to take place because I would bend under guilt trips, shared some of he/I/our personal business with her and let her see too much. Also, I allowed her to be overly involved with the kids during the time that it was just she and I living together.

Whenever he and I had problems, I would let other know about it (family included) and now we are finally trying to work our family out, but we have my mom, neighbors, family members helping to add to our problems.

It seems as I am writing, I find I am mostly to blame. He is not the nices guy to be around either and he has a drinking problem, but we were trying to privately handle things. My mom and sisters are so manipulative that when he and I have arguments, she would get my children to hide the phone behind the couch or call her and leave the phone off the hook so she can hear our arguments.

I make no excuses for myself or him. We have not been perfect in this relationship which helps others form the worse opinion, but now that we are trying so hard to make our core family work. It is terribly tuff. It is one thing to fight your battles together, but it is even hard to combat outside forces when you are not strong enough as individuals or as a couple to stand up against them.

I am still torn between my mother and my man (children’s father)

on 3/27/2007 Overbearing Mother - Before you decide that it is your mother who is overbearing, ask yourself how many times you are telling her your problems, how many times you are being perceived as needy. I think sometimes we mom's try so hard to solve all the problems in our children's lives that it backfires on us. There are times that I know much more about my adult child's life than I want to know. I am not asking; they are driving to my home, sitting at my kitchen table and telling me their problems. Then, when I give advice or try to solve the problem, all of a sudden I am being an overbearing mother. Don't even get me started about the mother-in-law position in life!

OK. I have to admit. You are on point to some degree. Not totally, but most certainly to some degree.

Well mine is even more difficult. I am have been with my three childrens father on an off for over 12 years. We broke up for 3 years right after our son was born and then we got back together. During this time, my mother came to live with me (after she left my stepfather) and never wanted to move out. It was only suppose to be temporary (months turned into years).

Once he and I decided to get back together and rebuild our family, she really started acting up more than before. She informed me, my children and my entire family that I put her out for a man. Mind you (she would not work, she would not go hang out with any of her sisters, she would not get her own friends) only me and my children. I can not blame her for all of this because I allowed alot of this to take place because I would bend under guilt trips, shared some of he/I/our personal business with her and let her see too much. Also, I allowed her to be overly involved with the kids during the time that it was just she and I living together.

Whenever he and I had problems, I would let other know about it (family included) and now we are finally trying to work our family out, but we have my mom, neighbors, family members helping to add to our problems.

It seems as I am writing, I find I am mostly to blame. He is not the nices guy to be around either and he has a drinking problem, but we were trying to privately handle things. My mom and sisters are so manipulative that when he and I have arguments, she would get my children to hide the phone behind the couch or call her and leave the phone off the hook so she can hear our arguments.

I make no excuses for myself or him. We have not been perfect in this relationship which helps others form the worse opinion, but now that we are trying so hard to make our core family work. It is terribly tuff. It is one thing to fight your battles together, but it is even hard to combat outside forces when you are not strong enough as individuals or as a couple to stand up against them.

I am still torn between my mother and my man (children’s father)

on 3/6/2007 My mother is all about her terms. She wants you when she wants you. She'll hear you when she hears you.

She'll help you, and remind you how she helped you every day of your life. You have to hear how great she is for helping you all the time, because she cannot help herself. Onlly "superficially" helping others, to make herself feel great.

She will tell you she can help you if you let your kids go live with her - after all, she is there to help.

Before you know it, you have two teenagers that never want to see you, and are brainwashed into thinking she is so great.

Then the day comes when one of them gets pregnant, and she offers to take THEIR baby, so she can gloat about how much they need her, and the cycle starts all over. The end

on 3/6/2007 "Overbearing Mother - Before you decide that it is your mother who is overbearing, ask yourself how many times you are telling her your problems, how many times you are being perceived as needy"

Sadly you are too ignorant of the fact that you too are caught up in and part of the disfunction. There is a reason you have whiney, sniveling children that come to you to complain of their problems. Just my 2 cents.

on 2/6/2007 i recently moved out with my 4 year old daughter in with a new boyfriend. things are going great and i hope i never have to burden my parents again! Now Nana says she never sees the grand baby yet she gets her every other weekend that the daddy doesnt get her. I never get a free weekend with my own child, and NOW since grandma "NEVER" sees the grandbaby, she wants to send packages. AND WE LIVE IN THE SAME COUNTY!!! my child will never know what a surprise is and the grandparents are attempting to spoil from less than 20 miles away! if i say anything to her about my feelings, i will hurt her feelings. I suppose im not allowed to have feelings or an opinion of my own childs life! I CANT GET AWAY!!!!

on 2/4/2007 I have recently had to move back home while I transition between schools. Even while I was out on my own and in another city two hours away she had a way of completely trying to control every little detail of my life. I underesimated how living with her again would drive me so crazy. she feels that it is her absolute duty to know everything that I am doing, what I spend, and why. Recently I have gotten so frustrated that I completely quit talking to her other than the occasional yes or no. I have been doing this for about a month now and she thinks that I have a severe medical disorder. I have also recently found out that she have made it her mission to tell everyone she knows and ask thier opinion. But it works for me. This is the only way that I can keep my sanity until I move back out at the end of this semester. If it was not for my brother there I don't know what I would do. He is truely my lifesaver which is why we are living together 9 hours away.

on 1/20/2007 The Bible Reads:
Do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart. Colossians 3:21
Do not provoke your children to anger. But bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4