Comments on: How to Cope With Grief

on 9/14/2008 my partner died a month ago saving our dog my man died but the dog lived why couldnt it be the other way round r.i.p johnny 11.2.69-13.08.08

on 4/25/2008 As someone who has worked with dying for decades I can tell you that all I thought I knew about grief went out the window the day my partner of 26 years dropped dead. John’s sudden death did not make any sense to me and still doesn’t nearly two years later. All I can say about grieving is that there IS NOT ANY ONE WAY TO GRIEVE. Forget us "experts" and follow your own path but please make use you keep touchstones of support on the pathway. Take the time you need and don’t worry about anyone else’s “expectations” for your grieving process.

on 4/17/2007 My best friend has always been there for me through the rough times. It's great to have someone who understands your situation and can relate with the pain you're going through after a death.

on 4/17/2007 I can relate to grief. I lost my Mom back on 9/2/79 and many other close friends over the following years. I still miss her today. Later on after my own injury I earned my first degree to take X-rays in 1992. There was no work then for x-ray techs so I went on for my business degree in hospital management. I graduated magna cum laude after a total of five years from 9/1990 to 6/1995 at Northeastern in Boston earning my two college degrees. Six days after I graduated I had a doctor at the Lahey Clinic in Burlington, MA named Leonard Zinman cost me 21+ operations due to his surgical negligence. To hide his multiple mistake(s) he rewrote my operative notes, and my medical records 8 months after the original ones were written. My hospital records vanished or were lost at no less than 3 hospitals. Even the foreign bodies Zinman left in me that were removed at New England Deaconess hospital were lost when by law they must be kept for over ten years. My VA records vanished also. Dr. Zinman trained at the VA and had full privileges at New England Deaconess hospital in Boston. Plus Dr. Little was doing a rotation there and we came face to face so he informed Zinman of my almost dying from septic shock for the 2nd time due to the foreign bodies they removed during an second exploratory abdominal surgery. They were shocked to have found what Zinman left in my body. Zinman even created and billed Medicare for at least one phony office visit I never had with him to build his false story of what happened to me. A second doctor named Arthur Little helped him rewrite my Emergency Room visit records at the Lahey Clinic to lie and not disclose the fact that the sole reason for my visit to the ER was due to him. Dr. Little discovered that Zinman negligently left on a pump he inserted in my body to help with urinary stress incontinence due to a spinal cord injury. When I confronted Dr. Little about this in my hospital room months later at the Lahey Clinic when I first learned of the falsification of my medical records he sat next to my bed and he laughed at me with arrogance and contempt. I spent 30 days in that hospital and endured 3 more operations during my last stay there in February of 1996. Dr. Little was actually pleased like a small child who got away with a mean spirited nasty prank. Except this prank helped cover up the negligence that ruined my health. This all happened to me six days after my graduation from Northeastern University in 1995. I was supposed to start in the coveted two year training program with the US Navy to work as a civilian Budget Analyst in the Spring of 1996. I had been accepted from a long list of candidates. I earned my first degree in Radiological Technology in 1992 and my 2nd degree in hospital management in 1995. My kidney function was permanently damaged, hearing loss, and many other unpleasant permanent physical injuries that devastated my health were covered up by Zinman to avoid the lawsuit. A medical malpractice lawsuit, or settlement would have been in the seven figure range if the real truth had come out of exactly what damage(s)Zinman had done to my body. You can read my story by typing in Leonard Zinman negligence in the search engine using Google. You can read my story and look at the polygraph test I took to prove I am telling the truth. The last two plus years I have also had to become the sole caregiver for my elderly Dad which has taken a bit out of me also. It took me years to learn to control the anger and grief issues over this nightmare. What everyone with any type of grief or anger issue has to understand is no one can fully understand exactly how they feel except other people who have suffered the same type of loss. Even close friends or people we may have thought to be close friends turn out to be less than we had given them credit for. The trick is to never quit, or give in. Hang in there. It will get better over time. John Chleapas - Framingham, MA

on 3/10/2007 Ive lost my parents in my 20's and my older brother to cancer 5 years ago. In july of 2006 I lost my father in law and in August my husband took our teen ager floating down the river mind you she had just broke her hip in 3 places 2 monthes prior he was raised here but the river was stronger.In october my totaly awsome nephew lost the fight against drugs. This week a family friend fell 25 stories off of a roof. They say god only gives you what you can handle -WELL I CAN'T HANDLE ANYMORE. But I have to be strong for my children so I will not give up I will not become and alcoholic or a drug user. I WILL SURVIVE and so will you.

on 2/3/2007 you have always got to remember that we will all meet up again on the other side and that we are only on this earth for a short time. my uncle died yesterday and i spent all night cryin. my dad was especially close to my uncle and hasn't cried yet but I will be there for him when he does. The thing that is keeping me strong is that i know one day i will meet him again.

on 8/24/2006 Avoid making a wall. Do not let your grief detach you from others. Oftentimes, hanging out with others may just be the thing you need to heal yourself. Talk it out with friends, or even people who feel the same as you.

on 8/6/2006 I recently lost my parents and grandparents within a two year period, a domino effect.
My mom loved the TV show Big Brother. I watched the recent series and noted that someone left each week. It's obvious they will get to see each other again and that's how I like to think.

Try and put yourself in their shoes, looking down and feeling helpless, unable to ease your pain.And remember, they're only next door, you will meet again when the time comes.

on 3/20/2006 Sometimes it's too much to put your grief into words. For those of us who are more artistically inclined, scribble out your grief:

1. Get a large pad of newsprint (I like to use 18" x 24", this allows full use of the arm).

2. Get a thick black crayon and scribble. If you feel angry, attack the paper with the crayon. If you feel sad, make patches of shading. If you don't know what you feel, just start scribbling.

3. Make page after page of these drawings until you feel better.

on 2/14/2006 Anger is the one stage of grief that 99% of your friends and family will not support or understand. They will recite the stages like a mantra, but they will reject anger in reality and will be offended by it, often taking it as a personal insult.

When I lost my husband I broke every glass and vase in my house. What a mess! I was very embarrassed by this and quickly cleaned it up the next day, even laughing in private -especially when family members tried to get me a drink of water!

I only told my therapist about this, he congratulated me! He told me that any way to relieve anger without hurting yourself or others is a good thing.

The anger will come and this is something you can prepare for! I would suggest that you get a box, seal it shut and cut a hole in the top. Buy canning jars or other cheap glassware (Goodwill stores) and when the rage hits - throw the glasses inside. The box will prevent flying shards. Break the glass until you feel better -it's very cathartic. When you are done, throw the box away. It's been suggested to me that chopping firewood is also good. I think destroying something is necessary though.

When I tell others about this, they do not understand -some other widows have laughed or seem to think it was a good idea, but it is something that you might want to keep private.

Also, know you will heal. It's been 16 years and I can now look back from my new life.

on 12/16/2005 God is always with us and he knows our pain. After all, His only son died on the cross. If you ask for comfort and peace of mind, He will send it.

on 11/22/2005 My big brother died last year, he would be 23 today. When he died I had to make a decision whether to carry on with further education as it was too hard to contemplate carrying on. Looking back, I'm glad I carried on. The business steered me away from a complete nervous breakdown. The problem I faced was not having enough time to grieve. I'd block it out and focus on everything but missing him in the day until night time came. I was a mess. My dad stopped functioning. He wasn't working or eating, and he slipped into serious depression.

My tip is to keep a balance, don't go into overdrive yet. Don't mope about. Pace yourself with work or college, even if you only put in 50% of work it takes you somewhere else for a bit. Confront the pain don't bottle it up, it'll build up and get worse. Talk to someone who cares. Writing is probably the best advice. It's advice I haven't managed to take yet. I personally cannot put it into words yet. My diary is hidden. It's that hard. But it's something I know I have to do. And I will.

on 11/22/2005 When my sister died (I was 12 yrs old at the time) I tried talking to her. It worked for a while, but 5 years later I almost lost it when I could barely deal with it anymore. I found that when I was young I had a fear of talking about my loss with anyone else. It seemed to obviously make them uncomfortable, and they didn't know what to say. After losing my Mom, I finally burst and let it all out to a very close friend who just let me talk. She suggested I get a journal and write my Mom letters (like I used to do when Mom was working day shift and I was working nights and we rarely ever saw each other for a few months). I've found this helps a lot, because this way I am able to tell her about my life and what is happening. It also helps document events leading up to my moments of grief. Since I've done this I have come to recognize the sadness coming and I pick up the journal and tell her about it (as well as get it out of my system) and I instantly begin to feel better and close to her again.

on 11/22/2005 I recently lost my close cousin in a car accident and it has been getting me down ever since. I decided to hit the gym twice a week and I have to say that working out not only lets go of the stress and anger, but leaves me feeling refreshed and calm.

on 11/22/2005 Talk to your loved one who has passed. Just because we can't see them anymore doesn't mean that they aren't still here. Talk about them often. And keep pictures of them up.