Counseling Ideas for Sibling Rivalry in Adults

Sibling rivalry is often an indication of larger problems in the home.

Sibling rivalry is a common reality in the lives of many families. Competitiveness and jealousy can be the source of subtle animosity or can blow up to the proportions of outright war. In family counseling, it is of the utmost importance to consider the entire family dynamic instead of zoning into the perceived "problem area." Almost all cases of sibling rivalry are at least partially related to dynamics involving the caretakers.

Address Shifting Needs

As children go from one developmental stage to the next, their needs, behaviors and perceptions change. If these changes are not recognized and understood, the child may act out in frustration or rebellion against her sibling. For example, a girl who used to help care for her younger brother as a preteen may be more interested in hanging out with friends when she is in high school. Teenagers require more freedom and individuation. If she is not allowed to change, she may take out her frustration on her brother while babysitting him. Ask the siblings key questions to draw out how their needs are changing and what they're frustrated with at home. Help the parents come to terms with how their model at home must shift to accommodate these changes.

Family Patterns

Keep your eyes peeled for the subtle indications that may reveal the pattern of the family system. Pay attention to whether there are "coalitions," in which two family members, usually a parent and a child, will form an alliance against another family member, usually a parent. For example, a father may be having marital issues with his wife, and he may recruit, consciously or unconsciously, their daughter into a coalition against the mother. The mother may react by recruiting the son into a coalition against the father. This would most likely result in rivalry between the siblings. Once you become aware of the pattern, help the parents gain an awareness of it without being accusatory so that they can come to grips with the damage they are doing and change their behavior. When the parents' behavior changes, the siblings' behavior will follow suit.

Equality

Sibling rivalry often springs up because the children do not believe that they are being treated fairly or equally. As a counselor, it is important that you model the appropriate behavior of an authority figure and caregiver by maintaining equality among the children within the session. If the mother wants to spend an entire session working with her daughter's bad behavior, her brother may feel left out and unimportant. This could just exacerbate an existing rivalry. Be sure to consistently check in with the other sibling to get his perspective and insight on all things being discussed. This also helps the parents to learn how to create equality within the family.

Strict Guidelines

When parents have a difficult time disciplining their children, it can result in siblings that fight and bicker incessantly. If a lack of discipline is a primary issue, it is important for the therapist to instill strict guidelines within the therapy room. Spell out your rules in a polite but firm manner, which may include: Only one person may talk at a time and raising your voice is not allowed. Every time a rule is broken, use your authority to calmly but firmly bring the discussion to a halt. Teach the siblings to take turns talking and frustrate them into cooperating with you. This makes discussions more productive and gives parents a model of how to handle arguments at home.

References

• ScottCounseling: Sibling Rivalry
• The Essentials of Family Therapy, 4th Edition; Michael P. Nichols; 2009