Answers for Kids About Child Custody
During and after the divorce or separation of their parents, children can be confused, sad, angry or fearful. One main source of concern for children in such a situation is what will become of their relationship to each of their parents when custody arrangements change their day-to-day living situation. Talking to children honestly and openly -- but at an age-appropriate level -- can help them feel more secure in these circumstances.
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If Possible, Meet as a Family
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If at all possible, both parents should be present when telling children about a divorce and the custody changes it will bring. When both parents are present, there is a better chance that they will avoid blaming each other for the situation. The presence of both parents at the discussion will also help reassure children that their relationship with each parent will continue.
Plan Ahead
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Before making any announcements to your children, decide how much information they need and how you will give it. Children at different ages will need different amounts of detail. Plan to be honest, but keep it simple. "We can't get along anymore" is better than giving an example of something you are fighting about. Try to sit down with your future ex-partner and plan together how to approach the children. Agree on a plan and set aside time for the family conversation.
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Consider the Child's Perspective
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Children going through the divorce of their parents are often confused and fearful. They frequently believe that their behavior caused the breakup of their parents. Put yourself in your child's shoes and be as reassuring as necessary that divorce is a problem between adults and not the fault of children.
Children will also be more secure throughout the process of divorce if they know what to expect and if much of their routine can remain the same. Make it clear to your children that their needs will continue to be met and their routines will remain as unchanged as possible, regardless of what the parents are going through.
Plan to Meet Again as Often as Needed
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Let your children know that this first meeting won't be the last. Give them some time to process the changes new custody arrangements will bring to their lives and return to you with follow-up questions or fears in the future. Listen to what your children have to say and make sure they know you care about their feelings. You may not be able to change their circumstances, but you can let them know that they are not alone.
Respect Your Child's Relationship with the Other Parent
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Whatever the circumstances of the divorce, it is important to respect the relationship your children have to their other parent. Even if the custody arrangement gives full custody to one parent, the other will still be a part of the child's life, emotionally. Respecting this, regardless of how you feel about your ex-partner, is good for your child.
When possible, help your child maintain a relationship with the other parent. Help as necessary with phone calls, letters, cards, emails and visits. The more peaceful your relationship can be with your ex-partner, the less harm your child will experience.
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