Counseling Tools for Couples

Couples counseling uses various tools to sharpen specific relationship skills.

Couples counseling, otherwise known as couples therapy, can take various approaches. Some of them will be geared towards changing the communication dynamics between partners and restoring positive patterns of relating, whereas others will seek to help the couple accept each other and not overreact to the small slights that occur in intimate relationships. In session, the therapist will use a variety of tools to help mediate and educate the couple in working through their problems.

Questionnaires

At the beginning of couples counseling, a therapist or counselor might provide an intake questionnaire to help ascertain some of the key issues in your relationship as well as gather your personal evaluations on the current state of the relationship. The questions might be basic ones like how long you have been together, or ask you to describe the beginning of your relationship and what caused you to be disillusioned with your partner. Questions about character, like how you are similar to and different from your partner, might be included, as well as those that have you explain situations of conflict between you and your partner and what happens during these conflicts. The questions may ask about relationships with other people that enter into these conflicts. Other parts of the intake may have you rate your emotional self-awareness, level of commitment and love for your partner. These questions could be quite personal and delve into your sexual life, and your role in contributing to problems in the relationship.

Exercises

During the course of couples counseling, couples may engage in a variety of exercises designed to build specific skills such as "self intimacy" or "conflict intimacy," some of which they must do on their own and others with their partner. While your counselor or therapist may use different terminology, self intimacy refers to the keen awareness of your own feelings, desires and thoughts. Conflict intimacy combines self intimacy along with the non-avoidance of difficult subjects and the non-defensive reaction to them. Exercises can build skills in both these areas. For example, to build conflict intimacy, a couple may take part in an "initiator to inquirer" exercise in which one person is the initiator, or the one who is talking. He will discuss his reality to the other person without blaming. He must only convey emotions, not thoughts. The inquirer, then, must recap what she just heard and ask questions to clarify what is occurring with the initiator. The inquirer must not problem solve or get defensive.

Homework Assignments

At the end of a session, a counselor or therapist may give each person a handout or assignment to work on at home. This might be an extension of the exercises done in session, or a task that gets the couple to reflect on their visions and personal struggles in bettering the relationship. One assignment might have the clients each enumerate the kind of relationship they would like to have: what kind of life they would share with their partner, the feelings involved and what kind of partner they would be. Additionally, the assignment may have the client look for barriers in themselves in implementing changes to improve the relationship, identify the reasons for these barriers as well as pinpoint the most difficult aspects of making these changes.

Charts and Scales

In some cases, the couples therapist will provide charts and scales to help you assess and make concrete determinations about a situation. A chart or flow chart would offer a pictorial representation of events in a situation, where in algorithm fashion you would follow the chart according to the sequence of events that occurred. One review scale might deal specifically with an incident in which you were dissatisfied with something your partner did. Working through five or six questions, you would then check the box that corresponded best with the outcomes listed in the questions. Finally, you would state how you would redo the situation and visualize this revision and even enact it out loud.

References

• Psychology Info: Couples Therapy
• The Couples Clinic: Resources
• The Relationship Institute: Resources & Information
• PBS: Does Couple Therapy Work?

Resources

• Family & Marriage Counseling: Online Resources for Family, Relationship, and Marriage Counseling