Talking With Toddlers About the Death of Pets

A pet is a part of the family, and the loss of a pet can be devastating.

The loss of a pet is a difficult and sad time for everyone in the family. The occurrence is likely to be your toddler's first experience with death, which can lead to a lot of confusion and emotions. Knowing how much they can understand, how to approach the subject and what to say can help a toddler work through the grief of a pet's death.

What a Toddler Understands

Feelings of sadness, guilt and grief are easily picked up on by a toddler.

A toddler notices the absence of a pet but doesn't grasp the fact that the absence is permanent. Instead, she's likely to believe the deceased pet will return. This level of understanding is demonstrated through a toddler's behaviors as well as what she says. She may look out the window or wait near the door where your pet came in and out everyday, expecting to see the pet come back. Questions about where the pet is and when he'll come back also indicate that your toddler is unable to grasp the permanence of the situation.

Preparing to Talk

Be careful not to compound the confusion and emotions following a pet's death by using the wrong words. Feelings of sadness, guilt and grief are also easily picked up on by a toddler, even if you don't say anything. To prepare to talk to a toddler about a pet's death, speak to a pediatrician, a veterinarian, and check the library for toddler-appropriate books on the topic of the death of a pet. This will help you prepare what to say and how to say it. Before sitting down with your toddler, make sure you are calm. Even when she doesn't understand everything that's going on, a toddler knows when her parents are sad and that can lead her to feeling anxious and scared.

Talking With Your Toddler

Talk to your toddler about the death of a pet with a short, simple explanation. You know your child best and are aware of what she can understand and handle. Be brief and explain that the pet died, meaning that it won't be there anymore. If the pet was sick, you can tell your toddler that it was very old and sick, and its body couldn't work anymore. Let your child know that you feel sad and that it's okay for her to feel sad too. Avoid telling your child that your pet went to sleep and never woke up, or he went away and he's not coming back. Explanations of this sort lead to unnecessary confusion and sadness.

After the Conversation

Expect a lot of questions. A toddler may express concerns that you are going to die or that she will die. Now is not the time to explain that, eventually, everyone dies as this is too much for a toddler to understand. Instead, reassure your child that you're still here. Offer hugs, plenty of positive attention and allow her to continue to express sadness over the death. Don't rush to get rid of all your pet's belongings as they might bring some reassurance and comfort. After a few days or a week, plan a celebration of your pet's life and include your toddler in the preparations.

References

• Baby Zone: Talking With Toddlers About the Death of a Pet
• Kids Health: When a Pet Dies
• American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry: When a Pet Dies
• Child Development Institute Parenting Today: How to Talk to Kids About the Death of a Pet
• Family Corner: Talking With Your Children-- Death of a Pet

Resources

• Pet Education: Grief and the Loss of a Pet