How to Be a Natural Argument Defuser
Whether with a romantic partner or a close friend, relationships often breed intense arguments. In the heat of the moment, it's tempting to succumb to your emotions. Unfortunately, this usually only makes the argument worse. Instead of adding fuel to the fire, become a natural argument defuser. By developing a set of protocols and techniques and sticking to them, you can ensure that any bubbling argument gets snuffed out right away. In the end, your friends and partners will thank you for your cool and productive demeanor.
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Check Your Opinion
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Arguments can get worse when you or your adversary is unable to see beyond your own opinions. One way to defuse an argument immediately is to hold your opinion in reserve from the get-go. Instead of insisting that you are right, mentally put your point of view aside and try to see the dispute from a more neutral perspective. If you get overwhelmed, try as best as you can to relax, either by taking some deep breaths or taking a quick timeout.
Try To Understand Your Adversary
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It goes without saying that failing to understand another's viewpoint is central to many arguments. Automatically do your best to be curious about your adversary's point of view. Ask questions in a sincere way. It is important to show the other person that you are making a genuine attempt at understanding. When your partner or friend says something inflammatory, disarm him by saying, "I never thought of it that way before." This can turn an argument into a calm discussion.
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Don't Criticize
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It's easy for any argument to escalate very quickly into a mutual blame game. Make a point of not criticizing your partner or friend. If you need to take issue with something he says, criticize the argument and not the person. Don't say things such as, "You always do this" or "You never listen to me." Instead, circumvent these sorts of criticisms. If your adversary levels one at you, say, "I hear you saying that I always do 'X,' but I think that what's really happening is 'Y.'"
Watch Your Language
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Language in an argument can play a large role in escalation. To defuse an argument, make sure to use language that focuses on your own feelings. Instead of saying, "You were the one who didn't 'X,'" say something like, "I'm concerned because I don't think you did 'X,' and that affects me in these ways." By making sure that your language is focused on your own feelings, you avoid ever making generalizations or accusations that can alienate someone else.
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