How to Make Grown Children Responsible
While there is no surefire way to make grown children more responsible, there are ways to encourage, rather than discourage, positive change. It is your responsibility to set limits and follow through with enforcing them, and it is your child's responsibility to respect those limits and make any necessary changes.
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Parent/Child Agreement
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According to the late James Lehman, it is never too late to set up a structured agreement with your adult child who is living at home. If your adult son or daughter is unemployed, staying out and partying most nights and sleeping the day away, you will have to set firm limits as to what you expect and the consequences for not following through. For example, your unemployed child is to get up each morning as if she is working and search for a job. She is to limit her partying to weekends. If your grown child is responsible but still resides with you, your agreement can be less structured if it's needed at all.
Paying Rent
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Depending on your circumstances, you may want your child to pay rent. If your child has graduated college and is working, it's a good idea to tell him to pay rent. If your family has a financial need, your child will contribute to the household finances. Even if your family doesn't need the extra cash, set up a savings to put your child's rent into. Once there is enough in the account to cover a security deposit as well as first and last months rent, your child can start looking for an apartment or roommate. He will have the added benefit of being familiar with paying monthly rent on time.
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Motives
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Ask yourself if you are helping your child because she needs the help or because you want to feel better about yourself or avoid guilty feelings. If your help has more to do with your own feelings, then you need to step back and allow your child to figure out and follow her own path. Fostering dependence in adult children can be crippling and prevents young adults from being self-sufficient. Allow your child to struggle. Avoid rushing in to pick up the pieces. Through her struggle, she will develop inner strength, courage, wisdom and a sense of pride and accomplishment. This ultimately leads to maturity.
Leaving Home
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If an adult child is abusive, he should be told to leave. He will most likely tell you he has no where to go. Allowing him to continue his abusive behavior will only increase it in the long run. If the living arrangement with your grown child is going well, it should be a part of your structured agreement that he look into finding his own place once he is able to. In the end, it is a family decision. Help your child along by sitting down with him and setting goals. Discuss where he plans to live, when he plans to move out and how much money he needs to move.
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