How to Connect With a Stepchild

Spending time on fun activities with your stepchild can help you connect with her.

Stepparents face many challenges, including jealous, resentful stepchildren; negotiating boundaries with an ex-spouse; and learning about family dynamics and traditions. It can be challenging to connect with stepchildren in the first few years after a marriage. When stepparents take a genuine interest in their stepchildren and fill their own role in the child's life rather than trying to replace a parent, stepchildren may be more willing to accept their stepparents.

Managing Discipline

Although stepparents can play important parental roles, in the first few years after a remarriage you should leave the discipline to your spouse. Instead, think of your role as that of an older, wiser adult. Children frequently resent it when outsiders attempt to discipline them, particularly if those outsiders aren't familiar with family traditions and customs. Once your stepchild begins to trust you, he will likely begin viewing you as more of a parent, and then you can play a role in discipline. However, the primary source of discipline should always be the child's biological parent.

Respecting the Ex

Getting along with your spouse's ex can prove challenging for a stepparent. Jealousy, fights over custody and child support and differences in parenting style can all make this relationship especially contentious. However, respecting your stepchild's other parent is key in gaining her respect and fostering a good relationship. Stay out of fights with your spouse's ex and allow your spouse to handle all communications with her. Be friendly and cordial to the ex and never badmouth her to your stepchildren. If a stepchild feels that you dislike or are attempting to replace her other parent, she is likely to lash out at you.

Spending Time Together

Stepchildren often feel like their stepparents don't really care about them as individuals. Remedy this problem by taking an interest in your stepchild's hobbies, opinions and daily activities. Plan a weekly or monthly outing to a special location together. Sign up for a class, a camping trip or a play group together. Talk to your stepchild about the role she would like for you to play in her life. Children are often grateful when adults ask them what they want rather than just assuming they know.

Respecting Boundaries

Children who live with both of their biological parents frequently spend one-on-one time with each parent. Healthy stepparent relationships function similarly. Although it's easy to feel excluded, allow your stepchildren to spend time alone with your spouse. This helps stepchildren to understand that you respect their relationships and family dynamic and will encourage them to include you in more activities.

References

• Child Psychology: Development in a Changing Society; Robin Harwood, et al.
• Stepmotherhood; Cherie Burns