Teaching Children to Give Without Rewards
Humans show a degree of empathy from a very young age: kids barely one year old can try to comfort upset adults. This natural empathy often extends to giving, but some parents try to force this behavior by utilizing rewards. However, rewards can prove problematic, as the child might learn to expect a prize every time she gives--and this should not be why people give. Teaching children to give requires alternative methods.
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Appreciate, Don’t Praise
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Praise is a form of reward. When kids give and are used to being lavished with praise following the act, it’s little different to rewarding them with a physical present. You’ll still want to show appreciation for the positive act of giving, however. In general, avoid manipulative praise, which suggests to the child that you are only congratulating her so that she will keep repeating the action. Instead, concentrate on how the child is reacting to the act of giving. For example, you can tell her that you’re happy she gave, because it obviously caused her to feel good about herself.
Self-Evaluation
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Placing the onus on the child helps her learn that giving is something she enjoys and an act that’s worth doing without the consequence of a reward. Whenever your child gives, find time to talk to her about the experience of giving. Discuss how the act made him feel, and why she did it. Ask her what she feels the consequences of giving were for both her and the recipient of the gift. Through this process of self-evaluation, the child will hopefully see that giving is a positive process for all involved.
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Comment on Behavior
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There’s no need to ignore your child’s positive behavior. While you may establish that there’s no set reward for giving, there’s no reason why attention should be withheld. A specific comment about what she’s done – in this case the act of giving – and why you liked it isn’t the same as a reward. It’s attention, which the child will appreciate, but it doesn’t push the child into only carrying out the act to get the same result.
Don’t Lecture
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While kids should be introduced to the notion that giving is a good act, don’t tell them why they should be giving over and over again. If you have to keep on lecturing kids about a task, the chances are that the lecture you are repeatedly telling them isn’t having an effect. If your child isn’t usually one for giving and you wish to change that, try to alter this behavior by talking it through so that she feels in charge of the change. Ordering that she change is likely to result in resistance.
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References
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