How Does Divorce Affect Preschoolers?

Divorce is a stressful experience for preschoolers.

Divorcing parents worry about the effect their separation will have on their small children -- with good reason. While children younger than 3 may show no negative signs when their parents separate, preschoolers are old enough to grieve the loss of their intact family. Due to their young age and limited coping skills, preschoolers may exhibit a variety of negative effects during and after their parents' divorce.

Behavior Problems

Preschoolers' behavior often regresses after a divorce. They may become extra clingy, start talking in baby talk or carrying a lovey, or begin having daytime or nighttime accidents after being successfully potty-trained. Preschoolers may misbehave or become disobedient, especially after spending time with the other parent. Little boys, who have a harder time adjusting to a divorce than girls, may turn into what divorce researcher E. Mavis Hetherington calls "incompetent bullies." They behave aggressively with their peers, but start crying if they fail to get their way.

Emotional Difficulties

Preschoolers often blame themselves for their parents' divorce. They may think that if only they had listened better or picked up their toys when asked, their parents would have stayed together. They may exhibit increased anger or signs of depression. Some preschoolers start having nightmares or develop sleep disorders. Fears of being abandoned and losing their custodial parent may increase, and they often long for the parent that they live with less of the time.

Loss of Family

After a divorce, preschoolers lose time with each parent. Fathers often spend significantly less time with their children after a divorce, and this can be particularly difficult on boys who miss out on the connection with their same-sex parent. Even when fathers remain highly involved in their children's lives, preschoolers still only get to see one parent at a time, which leads them to miss the parent they aren't with. Preschoolers may also worry that they won't be able to see beloved grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins, especially if their parents' relationship is strained.

Factors Helping Adjustment

When parents can limit the conflict and anger between them, it helps protect their preschooler from some of the negative effects of their divorce. Parents should avoid arguing or discussing legal issues in front of their preschooler, or blaming the other parent for the divorce. Reassuring children that the divorce isn't their fault, letting them know that both parents still love them and allowing them to express their feelings of anger and sadness can help with their emotional adjustment. Divorce is also easier on preschoolers when parents minimize the disruptions to their life, by letting them stay in the same home, daycare or preschool whenever possible.

References

• Drheller.com; The Impact of Divorce on Children; Dr. Heller
• University of New Hampshire Cooperative Extension; The Effects of Divorce on Children; Mary W. Temke, et al.; May 2006
• BabyCenter; How to Tell Your Child You're Getting Divorced; June 2008
• The Child Advocate; An Exploration of the Ramifications of Divorce on Children and Adolescents; Sara Eleoff; November 2003