How to Teach Aggressive Children Self-Control

Aggressiveness is a natural response for young children learning how to control their bodies and environments. However, it is the parent or caregiver's responsibility to help children control aggression and learn other techniques to express their emotions.

Difficulty:

Challenging

Instructions

1. Model appropriate behavior. Children imitate what they see and experience. Aggressive discipline will result in aggressive behavior in children toward other children and even the parent.

2. Inspect your house for possible aggression traps. Is there enough room for your children to play together and independently? Are there enough materials for each child to interact with? Does each child receive an equal amount of positive attention from the parent or caregiver?

3. Teach your child control early. As soon as your child throws the first temper tantrum, begin to talk about different situations and the emotions they evoke. Say things like, "It's OK to be angry when your tower falls, but throwing blocks is not nice. Try again. Mommy doesn't like biting. Biting hurts. Hitting is not nice. Please don't use your hands that way." Use a firm voice but avoid yelling. Yelling is a form of aggression.

4. Intervene immediately. When your child becomes aggressive toward others or toward his or her own body, have a time out period to calm down before discussing the behavior and alternative behaviors.

5. Focus your attention on the hurt child. Even negative attention will reinforce aggressive behavior. Put the aggressor in time out, walk away, and comfort the hurt child. When the aggressor leaves time out with your permission, have him or her do something nice for the hurt child, such as giving a favorite blanket or toy.

6. Teach your children to be assertive and ask for what they want instead of being aggressive and demanding. When your child screams and throws an empty juice cup across the room, say, "Do you want more juice? All you have to do is say, 'Mommy, can I have more juice?' and I will get it."

7. Role-play with older children. Make a list of scenarios and ways to ask for things such as snacks, money or free time. Talk openly with your child about feelings and emotions. Discuss different possible responses or refer to the list every time your child uses aggression.

8. Be consistent. Let your child know that aggression is never tolerated.

Tips & Warnings

• If you lose your temper, apologize to your child. Let your child know that his or her behavior - not the child as a person - is making you angry. Tell your child how you should have reacted and that you will try harder in the future.

• Remain neutral in tone of voice and body posture when disciplining your child. Children pick up on verbal and nonverbal body language and sometimes feed off of your anger.

• Make a behavior chart of appropriate behaviors if you are trying to change a specific behavior. Use different color stars to indicate appropriate behavior and inappropriate behavior. Have rewards for a specific number of good days or responses.

• Choose a time out spot that does not reward. If your child can play or watch TV while in time out, you will be rewarding the behavior you are trying to eliminate.

• Consult your family doctor if you experience extreme frustration or anger when disciplining your child.