How to Communicate With Your Ex if You Have Children

Communicating with your ex may seem like the last thing you want to do, but if you can find a calm and neutral way to talk, it will make visitation go much more smoothly.

Difficulty: Moderate

Instructions

1. Accept that your communication with the other parent will not always go smoothly. If you could communicate perfectly, you would probably still be together.

2. Believe that it's best for your child that you be able to communicate with each other.

3. Ask the other parent to work with you to communicate effectively.

4. Banish your anger. You're going to feel angry, but you need to learn to control it around each other. It's OK to express that you're upset about something. It isn't helpful to vent anger just to make you feel better.

5. Understand that you'll never change the other parent. If this were possible, it would have happened before you broke up. Work with who he or she is.

6. Be clear and to the point. If you need to change the visitation schedule, say so directly.

7. Focus on what needs to be communicated or discussed, not on your feelings or the emotional issues that exist.

8. Remain calm and polite. Crying, yelling and name-calling won't help you resolve anything. Cry and yell in the shower if you need to.

9. Create a list of things you need to discuss, before you talk. Use the list as a guideline and a reminder to stick to the topics at hand.

10. Discuss important things when you have time to do so in a relaxed and calm manner.

11. Don't use third parties or go-betweens. Things generally end up more confused this way. Especially don't use your child to carry messages back and forth.

12. Move on. Don't let issues or disagreements from the past cloud current discussions. Once it's over, let it go.

Tips & Warnings

• Be patient with yourself and with the other parent. You need to learn a new way to communicate with each other. You would probably still be together if the old method worked.
• If your ex has been violent toward you, don't make any attempt to communicate without legal help.

[oogden]

on 4/5/2009 My ex left this past November, and I've found that, at this point anyway, the only effective way to communicate with him is in writing. We e-mail and text each other a couple of times a week about our child, what to do with specific assets, etc.

[Terrigm45]

on 11/23/2008 You've made some very good points. However, this is more of a to do list than a how to list. And also, if it wasn't for legalities, that knife thing would work for me. LOL!

[JRIngrisano]

on 5/1/2008 Were it all only that simple. Many (most?) divorcees are more likely to stick a knife in each other as get along. In my opinion, the bottom line goal is to not kill each other.

on 11/22/2005 I learned the hard way about letting a child make an adult decision. If you have custody of your child, please take the time to make important life-changing decisions for them. Remember to help your kids understand why you made it and that you love them.