How to Deal With Estranged Parents During the Holidays

Don't let your anger ruin your holiday.

Estrangement from parents is never easy. You may be angry but still love and miss your parents, especially during the holidays. Don't stay away from family events because your parents are attending. You can deal with your parents if you change your thinking and remain calm. Let go of your anger and resolve to be the bigger person, and you will be amazed at how much easier it is to deal with your parents during the holidays.

Instructions

1. Accept your parents and don't expect them to change. Don't expect your parents to have an epiphany and apologize to you. You may be sorely disappointed if you have this kind of expectation. Your parents are the same people they always were, so be realistic. Tell yourself to accept them because they are your parents and make peace with that idea before you see them.

2. Plan ahead for ways to cope with your parents. For instance, if you know your parents are going to make comments about your job, prepare yourself. Write down ways that you may respond to negative comments, such as "I'm sorry you don't like my job. I appreciate your concern, but I want you to know I am very happy." Tell yourself you will remain calm and respond in a polite manner to whatever criticism your parents give.

3. Set a time limit for seeing your parents. You may not be ready to see them for more than a couple of hours because of the awkwardness. Set clear boundaries so that there are no misunderstandings. For instance, tell your parents that you have other obligations but you hope to see them again soon.

4. Cope with your parents by finding the humor in the relationship. Instead of getting angry, laugh at the situation. Imagine entertaining ways of explaining your parents' behavior to your friends. This makes you sit back and watch your parents as a participant without taking things seriously and possibly getting angry.

Tips & Warnings

• Never try to resolve deep issues during a family gathering. Save that for another time and place.

• Only you can decide if reconciliation is possible with your parents.

References

• "O, the Oprah Magazine"; Putting the "Fun" In Dysfunctional; Martha Beck; December 2002
• Mayo Clinic: Stress, Depression and the Holidays: 10 Tips for Coping
• BeliefNet; Making Peace with Your Family; Leonard Felder, Ph.D.