How to Rediscover Your Spouse After Your Children Are Grown

After kids grow up, couples need to get to know each other again.

When kids grow up and leave the nest, Mom and Dad have to figure out a way to be husband and wife again. Sometimes this transitional time rocks the relationship boat, but partners who are willing to work on it can rediscover the person they fell in love with. According to the American Psychological Association, empty-nesters can have an even better relationship once they navigate their new-found freedom.

Instructions

1. 

   Both partners need to make the marriage relationship a top priority.

   Recommit to each other. There is no need to have a ceremonial renewal of vows, but after children grow couples should treat this time like a second marriage. Both parties must verbally agree to make the relationship a top priority and be willing to talk about issues, work out problems and meet each other's needs. After years of kids being the main priority, make sure the marriage finds its way back to the top again.

2. 

   Spouses must discuss positive and negative aspects of the relationship.

   Talk about expectations. Now that children don't demand all the attention, have a discussion about how you see the relationship. Professional counselor Joyce Marter suggests identifying some things that you are happy with in the marriage, and then some things you would like to see changed. This is a great time to communicate a vision for the future and make sure both of you are on the same page.

3. 

   Engage in activities you used to participate in before children came along.

   Look back. Get out the old photo albums and remember some of the things that made your spouse appealing in the beginning of the relationship. It will also remind you of some of the things you did together before kids came along. Many hobbies and activities are put on the back burner when children come along and become forgotten. Use the new freedom to travel, attend concerts, go to the movies or take a bike ride.

4. 

   Celebrate the next phase of life with a trip or an evening out.

   Take some time to celebrate. Claudia and David Arp, founders of Marriage Alive, suggest celebrating the accomplishment of raising children together. Go out on dates and talk about what a great job you did. Even plan a weekend getaway to spend some time together and change the focus from parenting to marriage.

5. 

   If necessary, work out issues with a counselor.

   If necessary, get help from an independent party. The Portland Relationship Center states that this phase in life can put a great strain on a marriage, and that some counseling will help spouses work through some of the issues involved in this transitional time. Many couples simply need to learn how to communicate again without the buffer of children between them.

Tips & Warnings

• Take action to show your spouse that you are thinking about him. Married couples with children often forget to do something for each other when children are consuming their time. Something as simple as picking up a favorite dessert or unexpectedly helping with some household work will make a partner feel loved.

• Carving out time to be together is important to rekindling a relationship, but each spouse should have some independent time as well. It is healthy for married couples to have their own friends, hobbies and interests that don't include each other.

References

• Urban Balance; Will an Empty Nest Impair or Improve Your Relationship?; Joyce Marter
• For Your Marriage; Help for Empty Nesters; Claudia and David Arp; 2010
• Portland Relationship Center; Couples Counseling: Don't Let Empty Nest Syndrome Destroy Your Marriage; May 2011
• American Psychological Association; An Empty Nest Can Promote Freedom, Improved Relationships; Rebecca A. Clay; April 2003