How to Forgive Someone You Trusted

It can be difficult to forgive someone after they have backstabbed you.

Betrayal is one of the most destructive things that can happen in a relationship, as it results in broken trust, anger and hurt. Forgiving someone you once trusted after she has betrayed you may be difficult, but it is an absolutely essential part of the healing process. Regardless of whether or not you decide to continue the relationship, forgiving the person who wronged you will allow you to move on without filtering the rest of your life through the lens of mistrust.

Instructions

1. Allow yourself to grieve the betrayal. It is all right to feel angry, sad or confused about what happened. Embracing and expressing your feelings will facilitate, rather than hinder, the forgiveness process.

2. Create a list of all the things for which you need to forgive the person. Be as specific as possible, including exact details.

3. Create a list alongside the first one, detailing your responses to the offenses against you. Did you respond by gossipping about him? Giving him the silent treatment? Yelling? Before you can forgive someone else, it is important to recognize that you have also done things that require forgiveness.

4. Decide whether or not you want to continue the relationship. It is important to remember that forgiving does not mean forgetting, nor does it excuse the other person's betrayal. When you are wronged, it may be appropriate to set new boundaries. It is possible to forgive someone while also reducing or cutting your contact with her.

5. Approach the person who betrayed you and ask him to forgive you for the things that you have done to wrong him, using the list that you created as a reference. Do not expect him to forgive you or ask for forgiveness in return. You can only control your actions, not his. If he doesn't ask for forgiveness or try to mend the relationship, that is his problem, not yours. Remember that you are asking for his forgiveness not only with the hopes of improving the relationship, but as part of your own healing and forgiveness process.

6. Recognize that forgiveness is a conscious, mental decision. Immediately after committing to forgiving someone, you may feel as though your heart is not truly in it. This is normal. Simply continue to act on your forgiveness of her, and your heart will eventually follow.

7. Decide to forgive your betrayer. Forgiving him means that you wish the best for him, look for his good qualities, believe that he can change for the better, treat him with respect and harbor no feelings of ill-will toward him. It does not mean that you have to trust him implicitly. If you have decided to discontinue the relationship, you can exhibit your forgiveness with small gestures, such as greeting him at chance meetings and speaking in a respectful tone. If you have decided to continue the relationship, forgiving him means not allowing what happened to cloud the future of your relationship. While it is acceptable to establish stronger boundaries with him , you shouldn't treat them poorly or continually remind him of what he did.

Tips & Warnings

• Do not continue the relationship if you feel as though your physical, mental or emotional safety may be endangered. In these instances, it is better to forgive from a distance.

References

• The Road to Well-Being: Mount Forgiveness
• You Can Heal Yourself: Forgiving Someone Who Has Betrayed You
• Psychology Today: How To Forgive Others; 2010; Alex Lickerman

Resources

• Read this Article in Spanish