How to Discuss Hurt Feelings

Brooding on hurt feelings can make them worse, but blurting them impulsively can damage relationships

Very few amicable relationships remain purely cordial all the time. Friendships based on a sense of mutual sameness usually produce antagonisms at some point, largely because, as the psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan argues, feelings of sameness nearly always involve wishful illusions. From Lacan's point of view, hurt feelings frequently indicate a rupture in that illusory sense of sameness. The danger lies in flipping to the opposite extreme, deciding that the relationship has turned "bad" because of a jarring difference. Friendships can deepen when hurt feelings get discussed properly.

Instructions

1. Pause for reflection before acting on hurt feelings. A delayed but thoughtful response will usually generate more constructive results than an immediate, blurted reaction. Psychoanalysis suggests that people who feel easily hurt may find themselves looking in the wrong direction when they blame others for their emotional responses. The mind gets structured by patterns of relationship built in early life and some of these patterns can "filter" present day experiences. A careless but non-malicious comment from a friend can "pass through" an inner representation of a mocking or punitive figure, perhaps partially based on an aspect of a parent or a sibling. When this happens, the comment gets instantly interpreted as a humiliating slight.

2. Take full responsibly for personal emotional responses. Person A may hear the same comment as person B from a third party, directed at both of them equally, but feel entirely differently about it. Emotional reactions occur very rapidly, but think of them as constructions rather than passive "happenings." At some level, often beyond conscious awareness, people choose to feel a particular emotion. Other people don't "cause" emotions; personal habits and assumptions do. This doesn't excuse offensive and inconsiderate behavior on the part of others, but identifying how an emotion gets built in the mind helps in deciding how to respond to it.

3. Work on a "balance of probabilities" exercise. Psychoanalyst Bruce Fink, a follower of the radical French analyst Jacques Lacan, argues that human speech is irreducibly ambiguous. Words mean more than they say -- as soon as speech leaves a person's mouth, it enters another's mind and gets subject to complex evaluations and interpretations at phenomenal speeds. A person who constantly expects criticism may experience relatively innocuous or humorous remarks as attacks. Reacting with furious condemnation will more likely damage a friendship than enhance it. Take "time out" from the immediate situation and come back to it later when instantaneous feelings have cooled.

4. Strike when the iron's cold. This phrase comes from psychoanalyst Fred Pine, who argues that in states of raw and intense emotion, rational action easily gets blown away. Coming back later to the "scene of the crime" -- the person whose remarks resulted in hurt feelings -- enables a calmer and less fraught exchange. Openings remarks such as "Can I just run something by you that's been troubling me?" make for less threatening intros than "You really upset me the other day and I need you to know why!" It takes time to come up with tactful opening remarks when hurtful exchanges require discussion.

5. Keep opening comments purely observational or benignly questioning. Remarks such as "I found myself a bit puzzled when you said 'X' yesterday" invites clarification whereas "You hurt my feelings when you said 'Y'" invites defensive obfuscation. Focus on tact-with-honesty -- if someone has behaved or spoken carelessly, or even maliciously, he can make amends for he actions if given the chance. Allowing space for what psychoanalyst Melanie Klein called "reparation" fosters the growth of strong and healthy relationships. Klein argues that most people wish to repair the damage they inflict when they grow aware of any hurt they might have caused.

6. Practice tactful fortitude. A bully will usually back off when confronted with evidence that his intended victim can come back and question him, even if politely. Don't sink to the level of the wrongdoer - remain calm, posed and courteous. Psychoanalysts frequently challenge distorted thinking and malicious states of mind their patients; but they do so with great forbearance and diplomacy. A counter-attack usually simply escalates hostility or animosity, whereas an intelligent observation (or question) relating to a potential act of aggression, in speech or deed, at least shows that the "target" is no doormat and will respond robustly.

Tips & Warnings

• Choose a trusted confidante, if you can, to check your feelings with before responding.

• If you repeatedly feel easily hurt, consider seeking psychotherapy to help manage the internalized origins of such pain.

• If you find that even tactful comments arouse further hostility and aggression, back away quietly and seek additional support and help from friends, family or work colleagues, especially managers. You may have stumbled upon a malicious person who can only feel good by making others feel bad.

References

• "A Clinical Introduction to Lacanian Psychoanalysis"; Bruce Fink; 1997
• "Developmental Theory and Clinical Process"; Fred Pine; 1987
• "Love, Guilt and Reparation and Other Works 1921-1945"; Melanie Klein; 1975/1998