How to Refuse an Invitation Politely

A party invitation always merits a reply.

In an age of technology, the rules of etiquette can be tricky. Instead of a handwritten invitation, for example, Facebook events and e-vites are the new norm. Despite these changes, the principles of good etiquette persist. It may not be pleasant to refuse an invitation, but doing so politely shows courtesy and respect for your host. Simply ignoring an invitation might earn you the "rude" label, and you may miss out on future invitations.

Instructions

1. Check your availability. Check your schedule on your calendar, agenda or smartphone to see whether you have prior commitments.

2. Figure out how you will respond to the request for an RSVP. A written note is the traditional way, but you may respond to the invitation using the method in which you received it. You don't have to give details about why you can't attend the event.

3. Respond to the request for RSVP by the date described on the invitation. If your host has listed a date, he has details to plan. If no date is included, proper etiquette calls for declining (or accepting) the invitation within 24 hours after you receive it.

4. Acknowledge the host's generosity in inviting you. This graceful gesture sets the tone for the refusal. Start the refusal with phrases like "I really appreciate your thinking of me, but ...," "I wish I could, however ...," "Your invitation means a great deal" or "I would rather be at your party, but ..." You could also use formal phrasing recommended by Daisy Eyebright, author of "A Manual of Etiquette": "Mr. and Mrs. _______ regret extremely that they cannot accept Mr. and Mrs. _______'s kind invitation for _____ evening."

5. Address the refusal appropriately. Daisy Eyebright advises that if the invitation is for an intimate and informal event like a dinner party, address the reply "in the name of both lady and gentleman in the note, but the envelope should be addressed to the lady alone."

6. Respond to the RSVP whether or not you can attend. Unless the invitation says "regrets only," RSVP means you should let your host know either way.

7. Follow up with the host by phone or email after the event by asking how it was. Show the host that you truly wish the event was successful. The host will remember your thoughtfulness, and likely include you in future invitations. If you must decline a truly special invitation, you can also follow up by sending a gift.

References

• University of Pennsylvania: A Manual of Etiquette With Hints on Politeness and Good Breeding; Daisy Eyebright
• Elegant Woman: RSVP Etiquette
• Do You RSVP? Social Awareness for Adults; Deb Landry
• Life Script: 5 Steps to Politely Declining Invitations; Elizabeth Harrell; January 2008