How to Create Boundaries With Adult Children in Recovery
Parents of adult children who struggle with addictive or harmful life patterns often find themselves torn between wanting to help their children and needing to let go. Adult children in recovery are privy to a strong support network within their rehabilitation program. This gives parents a prime opportunity to establish firm, consistent boundaries with their adult children. The natural consequences of people's actions train them in healthy living. If you have shielded your adult children from the natural consequences of their actions, you have enabled their negative behaviors. Make a change today by creating firm boundaries that you stick to.
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Instructions
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Make a list of prior incidents in which you feel like your adult child took advantage of you financially or emotionally. Make another list of incidents in which you are unclear as to whether advantage was taken, or if you were just being a supportive parent.
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Meet with the counselors at your adult child's recovery program. Bring your lists with you, and discuss them with the counselors. Ask them which incidents in your past seem unhealthy and enabling, and which seem to fall within normal parenting parameters. Use their responses to get a sense of where you need to set up firm, clear boundaries with your adult child in the future.
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Sit down and write out a list of ground rules, which will effectively serve as solid boundaries with your adult child in recovery. Some examples of healthy ground rules include not giving money to pay bills if the child spends his paycheck on drugs or alcohol, not bailing him out of jail if he becomes incarcerated and not allowing him to live in the home without paying a standard market price rent.
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Meet with your adult child in recovery and bring your list of ground rules with you. Tell your child that you love her and only want the best for her. Acknowledge how her behavior has made you feel. Be as honest as possible when sharing your feelings; make it clear that your adult child needs to rebuild trust with you.
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Tell your child that you respect him as an adult. Inform him that you are setting some ground rules for the relationship, which will allow you to relate to one another as adults. Read the list aloud and give your adult child a copy of the document. Give him an opportunity to verbally respond to the boundaries you have created. Let your child know that you are committed to sticking to your boundaries, even if it is difficult. Make it clear to your child that you are motivated by love to set these boundaries, in order to reinforce your relationship bond.
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Tips & Warnings
Unresolved issues from childhood may surface during your boundary-setting meeting with your child. Address the issues in love, but do not yield one bit of ground on your boundaries. Ask for a counselor to facilitate your meeting if you begin to feel manipulated or unsure of how to proceed with healing the wounds of the past.
Be prepared for a negative response when you meet with your adult child. Adults in recovery often struggle with entitlement issues and may initially lash out at you. Stand your ground; it's worth it.
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