How to Write Condolences for Someone You Didn't Know

If you cannot find a sympathy card that you like, you can use a blank card.

Writing a letter of condolence or a sympathy card is a difficult task under any circumstances; the task is even more challenging when you did not know the person who died. Even if you never met the deceased, however, it is still possible to write a sincere sympathy card. Focus on the recipient of the card or letter, whom you do know; express sympathy for the loss or compliment the card recipient's compassionate care giving rather than making vague or unsubstantiated statements about the deceased.

Things You'll Need

• Sympathy card or blank card

Instructions

1. Address the recipient of the letter with "Dear," followed by his or her first name. For example, begin your letter or card with "Dear Suzanne."

2. Compose a sentence or two conveying acknowledgement of the person's loss. Because you did not know the deceased, it is not appropriate to try to guess at personal characteristics. Instead, write about the recipient of your card or letter; for example, instead of "your son was a very smart and witty man," state "I know that you loved your son very much and it saddens me deeply that you are feeling his loss." Avoid cliches such as "may he rest in peace" or "he is in a better place now."

3. Express your emotional support for the bereaved. If the card's recipient cared for a sick child or elderly parent, commend the person for being a good caregiver. Offer help if you are close to the person; for example, offer to cook meals for the family while they are busy making funeral arrangements. If the person receiving your card is a business acquaintance rather than a friend or relative, make the sentence more general -- "Let me know if there is anything that I can do to help you through this difficult time."

4. Conclude your note with a brief sentence expressing your sympathies. Common examples include "my thoughts and prayers are with you" and "you have my deepest condolences." Avoid religious language, such as "prayers" and "God," if the recipient of the card is not religious.

5. Sign your full name. Even if the person knows you well enough to recognize just your first name, it is quite possible that someone else with the same first name will also send a card. In addition, family members other than the recipient of the card may read your letter and want to know who wrote it.

References

• Monica's Flowers and Gifts; "Sympathy Card Etiquette"; 2004

Resources

• ObituariesHelp.org: Words of Condolences