How To Deal With Someone Hiding Things From You

If someone is hiding things from you, you may wonder, "What's going on here?"

Trust is one of the most important factors in any successful relationship. Often, interactions are formed based on one shared assumption: "I am who I say I am and you are who you say you are." When you feel like someone is hiding things from you, it can make you question whether you ever really knew the person in the first place. Although you may be hurt, try to appreciate your suspicions; they are leading you toward a truth you need to know.

Instructions

1. Decide what you want the future of your relationship to be. If a spouse is hiding things from you, ask yourself whether you want to be with her, despite her behavior. If a friend is hiding things from you, ask yourself if you value the friendship enough to contend with feelings of mistrust. If a relative is hiding things from you, ask yourself if you need to step back and love them from a distance, or if the two of you can remain close despite your suspicions. If you decide that the act of withholding information makes the relationship untenable, walk away.

2. Confront the person about his behavior if you think the issue is something the two of you can work through. Do this when you're both feeling relaxed and at ease. Bringing up your suspicions during an argument or an otherwise tense moment may cause one or both of you to act offensively or defensively. Simply ask, "Is there something you want to tell me?" If the person says, "No," or asks "What do you mean?" explain why you think he's hiding things from you.

3. Make the confrontation conversation a safe zone. If the person hiding things from you comes clean, try not to react so harshly that you give her another reason to retreat or deceive you. Put yourself in her shoes. Understand that she must have had a reason to hide something from you, whether it was confusion, fear of judgment, fear of losing or changing the existing relationship or trying to protect someone else. It's fine to express how you're feeling, but do so in a calm manner so the conversation remains open and productive.

4. Find out what's going on if the person refuses to come clean with you. Gather clues by noting and writing down inconsistencies when he explains where he's been, who he's been with and what he's been doing. Check phone bills to see if he's been consistently making or receiving calls from a number you don't recognize. Check bank statements for unusual purchases. Check his email and computer history. Go through his phone for text messages and/or pictures that might help you discover his secret. Change your schedule without telling him and start showing up unexpectedly at places he frequents.

5. Confront the person again, this time with proof that you know she's hiding something. If she comes clean, have a heart-to-heart conversation about where to go from here. If she doesn't tell the truth, decide whether you can deal with someone with a disregard for honesty.

References

• Relationship Guidance: Dealing With Suspicion and Mistrust
• Access to Insight; A Happy Married Life; Ven. K. Sri Dhammananda