How to Reach Forgiveness

Improve your health by learning to forgive instead of holding grudges.

It can be hard to avoid striking back against someone who has lashed out against you, either emotionally or physically. If you want to forgive others for their behaviors, you must first make peace within your mind. Learning to let go of grudges and forgive can be beneficial for mental and physical health. Forgiving others can lower stress levels and blood pressure, as well as being healthy for your heart. Remember that forgiving does not necessarily mean excusing the other person's behavior, but rather coming to terms with the offending action within yourself and being willing to move on.

Instructions

1. Identify the situation that is troubling you. Recognize the emotions that are associated with these events. Replay the scenario in your head while taking deep, calming breaths. Allow a feeling of peace to replace any negative feelings you may have toward the other person. Inhale to the count of five, and then exhale slowly to the count of ten. Repeat as necessary until you have calmed down.

2. Forgive yourself. Recognize your role in the altercation, and acknowledge responsibility for your own emotions. Give up your identity as a victim. Regain control of your feelings instead of reacting on impulse. Practice owning your emotions by recognizing them as they occur. If you feel hurt, identify the underlying emotion triggered by the insult.

3. Make sure you are ready to forgive. Be certain that you really wish to forgive the other person. A false gesture of forgiveness is insincere at best and potentially damaging to the relationship at worst. Understand the health benefits associated with forgiveness, and weigh them against continuing to hold a grudge.

4. Practice how you will forgive the other person. Include all the points you feel necessary to acknowledge before moving on. Write key points on a note card, if necessary. Decide if you wish to maintain a relationship after you've forgiven the person. Be prepared to work together to repair the relationship.

5. Approach the other person on your terms. Arrange a neutral meeting place and time. State the situation calmly and offer your forgiveness. Be prepared for a strong reaction if the other person is not ready to forgive. Maintain your position, and leave immediately if the situation becomes hostile.

Tips & Warnings

• Seek help from a professional if you are having trouble reaching forgiveness on your own.

• Practice simple acts of forgiveness for minor incidents to become comfortable with the feeling.

• Don't try to force forgiveness. Identify the emotions holding you back, and practice associating those emotions with feelings of forgiveness.

• Don't allow the other person's hostility to control your actions and feelings.

References

• The Mayo Clinic; Forgiveness: Letting Go of Grudges and Bitterness; November 2009
• Harvard Health Publications; Power of Forgiveness -- Forgive Others; December 2004
• American Medical Student Association: Healing Through Forgiveness

Resources

• Forgiving.org: A Campaign for Forgiveness Research