How to Make Marriages Better

Communication, intimacy and compromise are essential for a healthy, thriving marriage.

Biological anthropologist Helen Fisher has used MMI brain scans in her studies to observe the brain activity of individuals at various stages of relationships. She has observed that the brains of individuals newly in love are consistently characterized by high levels of the pleasure-inducing hormone dopamine, along with high levels of the thrill-inducing hormones adrenaline, cortisol and norepinephrine. Over time, as those hormone levels return to normal, relationships can seem to lose the spark they once had that made the partners feel connected to one another. However, understanding the dynamics of long-term relationships can help married couples reignite that spark and strengthen their bonds.

Instructions

1. Express yourself. Keeping your feelings bottled up inside in hopes of keeping peace and avoiding confrontation are counterproductive to sustaining a lasting and healthy marriage. Don't expect that your spouse should automatically know what you're feeling. Not only should you express anger, disappointment or frustrations when you feel them, but you should also express thanks and appreciation when it's appropriate. When disagreements do arise, communicate calmly and emphasize your feelings rather than mere complaints or accusations.

2. Make time for intimacy. Oxytocin and vasopressin, two hormones that most significantly fuel the attachment phase of love, rely on intimacy between romantic partners. Together, they are responsible for increased feelings of security, closeness and selflessness, and decreased feelings of fear, anger and mistrust. Therefore, even when couples are angry with one another, engaging in intimacy helps them overcome their troubles, because they also help recall feelings of sentiment while suppressing negative memories and judgments. Thus, even when couples feel bored or angry with one another, engaging in intimacy can help initiate a feedback loop to make them feel closer, less upset and more satisfaction with their relationship, along with more desire for their partners.

3. Keep dating. Take time to engage in novel activities together. Even when the initial, thrilling stages of love are behind you and your spouse, performing adventurous, exciting or energetic activities together -- like riding roller coasters, watching scary films, or even exercising -- can stimulate the heightened dopamine, adrenaline, cortisol, and norepinephrine levels that are associated with the early stages of love, boosting attraction and reigniting the passion between you and your spouse.

4. Be realistic. Realize that every relationship takes work, and that no marriage always feels perfect. Anger, frustration and disappointment -- right along with exhilaration, respect and gratitude -- will have their place in any healthy marriage. Learn humility, adjust your expectations accordingly and make compromises within reason. Use the memories of your best moments with your spouse to provide you with the strength to see your marriage through even the toughest times.

References

• National Geographic; True Love; Lauren Slater; February 2006
• Live Science; More People in Love Than Previously Thought; Clara Moskowitz; March 2009
• Love Biochemicals; Love: Just a Biochemical Reaction?; September 2010
• Help Guide; Advice for Building Healthy and Exciting Love Relationships; Joanna Saisan, MSW, et al.; November 2010
• Future Pundit; Love Deactivates Brain Areas For Fear, Planning, Critical Social Assessment; Randall Parker; June 2004
• Human Nature; Lust, Attraction, and Attachment in Mammalian Reproduction; Helen E. Fisher