How to Increase Awareness of Verbal Abuse As a Form of Emotional Abuse

Verbal abuse is not normal and erodes a relationship over time.

Verbal abuse is a pervasive form of emotional abuse, seen often in dating, marital, and parenting relationships. While the scars of physical abuse can be seen, the wounds inflicted by verbal abuse are often hidden. Someone who is verbally abusive may not know there is anything wrong; he was treated this way growing up and may feel it's normal. Awareness of emotional abuse as a form of physical abuse can be promoted by teachers, doctors and any concerned citizen.

Instructions

1. Educate those you come into contact with regarding various forms of verbal abuse. Pediatricians, teachers and counselors are in a position of influence and can give lectures and seminars on the various forms of verbal abuse, including rejecting, demeaning and threatening others. Include a discussion of the predictable cycle of verbal abuse including the tension or buildup phase, the abuse itself and then the honeymoon or capitulating phase, involving promises never to do it again. Discuss how the abuse increases in severity over time and that verbal abuse often escalates into other forms of physical abuse. Discuss the effects of emotional abuse including lowered self-esteem, lack of confidence and increased vulnerability to other abusive relationships.

2. Confront verbal abuse. Use opportunities where verbal abuse is witnessed with loved ones or friends to have a frank discussion about what you are seeing. You can share your concern, educate and offer to help the person find a counselor. Offer support to victims and a listening, caring ear. Even if you do not have a personal relationship with those being abused or abusing, if you are having an interchange with someone who begins to be verbally abusive toward someone else, you can intervene by making statements that label the behavior as abusive and unacceptable. You do not have to aggressively confront the behavior, but you can say, "Let's find another way to discuss this without saying harmful things to your wife," or "You may not mean this, but your behavior has become emotionally abusive." If you feel you cannot be this direct, you can communicate a more subtle message by leaving the situation or ending the discussion. This gesture will send a message to the other person, increasing awareness that their behavior has become unacceptable.

3. Recognize the signs of verbal abuse in your own relationships. These may include intense jealousy, verbal banter that takes the form of insults, ridicule, controlling directives and irrational accusations. Rejecting your values and beliefs is verbal emotional abuse. A rejecting boyfriend might say something like, "How could you offer an opinion, you don't know anything about it." Making degrading remarks such as, "I wish you were more beautiful," is his abusive way of trying to destroy your self-esteem. Threatening can be his way of trying to intimidate you into staying in the relationship. Threats can be open or subtle. Examples of subtle threats include, "You can never get along without me," "You couldn't afford to support the kids without me," or "You wouldn't want your boss to find out about that."

4. 

   Refer both victims and perpetrators to counseling. Even if they are not ready to change behavior, referring to counseling is a way to increase awareness that their actions have become abusive and are in need of change. Let victims know that shelters exist if they wish to leave an abusive partner. Report abusive behavior to child social service, who will conduct an investigation of the house and make appropriate recommendations. This report can be anonymous if it is a helpful intervention that promotes healing.

References

• Trouble With; Emotional and Verbal Abuse; Beth Lueders
• Help Guide: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships
• Psychology Today: Effects of Emotional Abuse It Hurts When I Love

Resources

• The Hotline: The National Domestic Violence Hotline
• The Beehive: Resource Locator.