How to Stop Confrontational Speaking

Dealing with confrontational speaking takes practice.

Sometimes circumstances can break people down and cause them to lose their cool. Confrontational speaking can happen on the subway, at a convenience store, with a colleague or when talking to your mother-in-law on the phone. Confrontations are not always negative, but sometimes confrontational speaking needs to be stopped or postponed to occur at a more appropriate time. Stopping someone who is about to, or in the middle of, unleashing anger and frustration at you takes skill and practice.

Instructions

1. Acknowledge what is happening. There are signs of confrontation before a person even opens his mouth. Fidgety and anxious behaviors are examples. Pacing, crying or appearing agitated are other signs that a person is upset. If you ignore behaviors, you may be caught off guard. Acknowledge that someone is being confrontational with language like, "I can tell that something is on your mind or you want to discuss an issue." Pretending that the behavior is not happening usually escalates the situation.

2. Change what you can control. You cannot control another person's emotions or tone of voice, but you can influence what you say or certain environmental aspects of the situation. Take actions to slow down the pace or lower your voice. Ask people to leave the room if necessary or move away instead of standing nose-to-nose with someone who is confronting you. According to Judy Lewis, an expert on avoiding confrontation, you want to do things to improve the interaction by changing pace, tone, and emotions.

3. Reduce the intensity of the situation. Move the conversation to another location if you can. Stop any activity you were involved in and turn your attention to the situation at hand. Focus on what is happening and even stop moving to show you are focused on the person who is speaking in a confrontational way. Perhaps invite another person to join the conversation who can help diffuse the situation or support you in your actions.

4. Use language and behavior that is cooperative. If the person remains standing, stand with him. Ask him if he wants to sit but do not demand that he sit down. Show genuine concern for the feelings expressed. Remain relaxed in your tone and facial expressions. Keep the person talking as the more she speaks, the more likely she is to calm down. Also avoid using words and phrases like "never, should not or can not," which often escalate conflict. Instead, use the words and phrases "what if" or "maybe."

5. Ask the person to stop yelling. You can simply ask the person to lower his voice or stop calling you names so that you can have a conversation with him by saying, "I need you to speak more slowly and clearly so I can hear what you have to say and discuss the issues with you. Can you agree to talk in a quieter voice?" If he cannot or does not, then walking away is probably your best solution rather than escalating the situation.

Tips & Warnings

• Use "I" statements when sharing information, facts, and feelings to talk with someone who is speaking confrontational manner.

• Confrontations can escalate quickly. Have a plan if things turn violent and do not be afraid to ask for support from others to implement your plan.

References

• Department of Community Health: Jody Lewis: Confrontation Avoidance Techniques
• North Central Regional Educational Laboratory: Hints for De-escalating a Conflict
• Creating Strategies: De-escalate a Conflict

Resources

• Puddle Dancer Press: The Basics of Nonviolent Communication
• Entrepreneur: Strategies for Effective Confrontation