How to Tell People You Are Gay

When coming out to a new friend, you can mention a partner or love interest.

Coming out as gay, lesbian, transgendered or bisexual is a personal decision, but once the word is out, many closeted individuals feel a sense of relief. Just like with most conversations, the way you reveal your sexual orientation will vary based on the person you are talking to. There is no correct way to come out, but two of the most important factors are your own safety and the possible physical or emotional repercussions. To protect yourself, gauge a person's reaction before spilling the beans.

Instructions

1. Start slow. If you have never revealed your sexual orientation to anyone, begin by telling just one friend or family member. The person you tell should be someone who is supportive and immensely trusting, like a best friend. If you are worried about the repercussions of other people in your circle finding out, you can start out by telling a long-distance friend, which is good practice for the real-life event.

2. Gauge the person's reaction. Before you come out, subtly drop hypothetical hints, such as a recent event in the news that involves gay rights, or a friend or family member's sexual orientation, if it is shared knowledge. If the person reacts with anger or homophobia, discuss the idea with a friend or family member before moving forward, or delay the talk until you are ready for the possibly negative reaction.

3. Pick a safe location with an escape route. When coming out, the location is as important as the dialogue. A public place may be your best bet, but opt for plenty of privacy for the actual heart-to-heart talk. If things do not go well, make sure to have a secondary friend or family member nearby who can help you recover.

4. Be direct. If saying the two words "I'm gay" seems too forward, you can always mention a girlfriend or boyfriend. For example, if you are a lesbian you can simply say, "I wanted to let you know that I am seeing a woman," which implies that you are a lesbian, without using the actual word.

5. Roll with the reaction. If the person reacts negatively when you come out of the closet, be patient and understanding. The news you are spilling may have taken you a lifetime to realize, so it may take your friend or family member more than a few moments to digest the information.

Tips & Warnings

• When coming out the closet, keep in mind that everyone will digest the news differently, particularly if they did not see it coming. Regardless of the reaction, most people will develop a different perspective over time, and may only need to get over the initial shock. If you have experienced homophobia while coming out, surround yourself with plenty of supportive friends and family members who can help you get through the ordeal.

• If you are a gay teen, coming out to your parent or guardian has its risks, particularly if you are still living at home. Parents may react with rage or emotional stress, so some gay teens wait until they are out of the house to come out. If a person reacts physically or threatens violence, relocate to a safe place and contact the police immediately.

References

• British Broadcasting Corporation: Advice - Coming Out
• Human Rights Campaign: A Resource Guide to Coming Out

Resources

• It Gets Better Project
• GLBT National Help Center