How to Divorce With Decency

Choosing to divorce with decency can save money and family relationships.

Divorce can be long, expensive, contentious and destructive. Divorcing with decency saves couples time and money. Family relationships are preserved. Couples leave the marriage trusting each other and working together to parent their children. While the benefits seem to make this the obvious choice, divorcing with decency is hard to accomplish and not right for every couple. Alternative dispute-resolution methods have been created to help parties achieve divorce without bitterness and fighting.

Instructions

1. Write down what kind of relationship you want to have with your spouse in five years. Do you want to be able to smile and say hello if you see each other in the grocery store? Do you want to be able to sit with your spouse at your daughter's wedding? Thinking about why you want to divorce with decency before you get started can keep you grounded through the process.

2. Build trust by discussing issues before taking action. Cashing out bank accounts, hiding personal property, emptying safe deposit boxes or running up a line of credit can start a fight that will last the entire divorce. At the beginning of the separation, trust is at a low. Each partner will interpret the other's actions in the worst possible light.

3. Treat your spouse the way you want him to treat you. It is easy to forget the Golden Rule during the emotional stress of divorce. Choose words carefully. Rehashing every hurt from the marriage and assigning blame will not help you achieve a civil divorce.

4. Consider alternative dispute-resolution processes. If you can not work it out yourselves, get help. Choose a mediator, explore collaborative divorce or hire a divorce coach. Alternative processes were developed to support people in resolving disputes with respect and decency.

5. Whatever process you choose, be thoughtful when making decisions. Think about what is meaningful to your spouse. If the issue or item is not meaningful to you, give it up graciously. Do not agree to everything your spouse wants for the sake of keeping peace. Know and explain to your spouse what is important to you and and why.

Tips & Warnings

• If you are the victim of domestic violence or your spouse suffers from problems with drugs, alcohol or mental illness, seek counseling before following these steps to assess your safety.

• You can lose important rights when a divorce is finalized, so consult with a lawyer in your state to develop a full understanding of the law before following these steps.

References

• "The Four Ways of Divorce..."; Rachel L. Virk; 2009

Resources

• "Reconcilable Differences: Marriages End. Families Don't."; Cate Cochran 2007
• "Beyond Winning"; Robert Mnookin; 2000