How to Get Along With Demanding Adult Children

Demanding children are difficult to deal with at any age.

You may have expected to be done dealing with your difficult child by the end of the toddler years, or the teen years in the worst-case scenario. Instead, you find yourself still struggling with the demands of your adult children, years after you reasonably expected peace and harmony. Getting along with demanding adult children can be challenging. You may not be able to change their behavior, but you may be able to find better ways to deal with it.

Instructions

1. Establish clear boundaries. Demanding children may make you feel like they are taking advantage of you, but the ball is in your court. If you don't want your adult to ask for money to pay their rent, say so. Tell them if you want to limit calls or contact to specific times of day or times per week.

2. Remain firm, and repeat yourself. People behave in a manner that gets results, and if you have always given in to your adult child's demands, they may expect the same again. Break the habit by stating your answers firmly, even if it isn't what they want to hear. Do not back down, no matter how much they try to change your mind, or they will know that with enough persistence they eventually get their way.

3. Encourage independence in your adult children. Even if your child is facing temporary hardship, such as unemployment or income loss, it is still beneficial to him to expect him to do some things for himself. For example, if your adult son is able-bodied and living at home, you may expect him to prepare his own meals or wash his own laundry. You may be more comfortable with the relationship if you are not contributing all the effort.

4. Model the behavior you want to see in your child. If you and your adult daughter have a habit of fighting over certain topics, the communication probably follows the same pattern every time. You can break the cycle by choosing a different way to deal with those topics. Choose not to "take the bait" and instead model a calmer approach.

Tips & Warnings

• Present a united front with the child's other parent and any step-parents. Do not allow your adult child to pit you against another parental figure.

• Decide in advance what you will and will not tolerate. If you are willing to offer financial help, for example, plan a dollar amount you can afford to give or lend and do not exceed it.

• Attend counseling with your adult child if you cannot resolve issues on your own.

• Contact local social service agencies if you are being abused or exploited.

References

• Self-Help Magazine: Rules, Boundaries and Adult Children
• Georgia Tech: Communication with Adult Children
• Seattle Pacific University: When Families Falter