How to Live Together While Going Through a Divorce

Living together during divorce requires drawing some lines in the sand.

When a couple divorces in fiction, one packs his bags and moves out. But that is becoming increasingly less common, according to Francine Russo in an article for New York Magazine. Sometimes spouses can't afford to live separately until the home sells. In other cases, neither spouse may be willing to risk losing his financial stake in the home or custody of his children by being the one to leave. Unless there are issues of domestic violence, the filing of a divorce complaint doesn't legally require that either spouse actually move out.

Instructions

1. Divide the house, literally. Designate a room that is your personal and private space, and another that is your spouse's area. Respect those barriers. Then decide what you're going to do about common areas, such as the kitchen or family room. If your divorce is amicable, you may be able to share those spaces. If it's not, draw up a schedule as to when each of you will have access to those rooms. When it's your spouse's turn, stay clear.

2. Decide how you're going to pay joint household expenses, such as the mortgage and utilities. If both of you work and earn similar incomes, establish a joint household account where each of you deposit a certain amount a month toward fixed expenses. Pay for your own personal expenses, including car payments and maintenance, if your finances allow it. If one of you greatly out-earns the other, you may still be able to still receive spousal maintenance even though you're still living together. Use this for your personal needs.

3. Live like roommates, not spouses. If you were single and sharing an apartment with someone, you probably wouldn't do her laundry for her or clean up the mess she left in the kitchen. Draw lines in the sand regarding who is going to do which general household chores, and be responsible about taking care of your own.

4. Date with discretion, if you're going to do it at all. Even if both of you are ready to move on, bringing someone new into the home, even if it's just to pick you up, can be awkward and uncomfortable for everyone involved, especially your children. If one of you needs to be home to care for the kids, give your spouse the courtesy of letting him know ahead of time that you'll be going out, and do the same for him if he has plans.

Tips & Warnings

• Living together while you negotiate a divorce and prepare to move on can make the adjustment easier, especially if you have children. But if you're still invested in the marriage and don't want the divorce, it could be very difficult for you emotionally. Talk to a therapist, if necessary, to get you through, or lean on a good support network of friends. If there's anger or emotional abuse involved and the two of you just can't live civilly, talk to your attorney about other options. Sharing a roof while you divorce is generally only workable if the two of you respect each other and your boundaries. Constant fighting can make your arrangement unhealthily stressful.

• If you're filing on no-fault grounds, either irreconcilable differences or separation, you could invalidate those grounds if you give in to any temptation to get intimate with your spouse.

References

• Family Law Topics; Living Together While Going Through a Divorce; Kimberly A. Cook; Nov. 9, 2010
• "Huffington Post"; The Unselfish Divorce -- Separating But Living Together; Dr. Jane Greer; Jan. 25, 2011
• "New York Magazine"; Live-In Divorce; Francine Russo; Jul 11, 2008
• Divorceinfo.com: Living Together After Divorce