How to help your child understand divorce

Since divorce can be so emotionally draining and confusing for adults, imagine how difficult it would be for a child to understand and accept it. However, by being honest, loving and supportive, hopefully you can help your child comprehend and eventually accept the divorce. It is important your child understands he or she will always be loved by both parents and that both parents will continue to be a big part of his or her life, despite the fact that the parents won't be living together as an intact family any longer.

Difficulty: Moderate

Instructions

1. It is best if both parents can talk to the child together. Choose a time and place that is relaxed, safe and comfortable.

2. Explain that mom and dad have decided not to live together anymore and not to be married any longer. Explain that this is what divorce means. However, be sure to reiterate that no matter what, you will always continue to be parents together.

3. Give details about who will be living where and when the child will see the other parent. If those details are not finalized and the child is capable of expressing their opinion about what they would like to have happen, try considering their desires.
   When parents divorce, even something as simple as whether the child gets to stay in the same school is a major concern for him/her. Hopefully, parents can discuss and resolve these considerations without needing a court to decide for them.

4. Reassure your child that you both love him or her very much and always will. Explain that parents can stop loving each other but that parents never stop loving their children.

5. Tell your child that this is not his or her fault. Repeat this over and over until it is understood. However, don't expect your child to simply accept this statement as fact. Children are incredibly sensitive and can easily blame themselves if problems between their parents arise.

6. Do not give your child details about why you are divorcing. It is OK to explain that you don't want to argue anymore or that you aren't happy living together. Your child does not need to know everything that led up to this.

7. While it is important not to talk badly about your soon-to-be ex, it can be still useful to express your emotions to your child about the changes occurring in your lives. Be open about how sad, hurt or upset you are. Encourage your child to be open about his or her emotions as well. Explain that it is good to be honest with one another about how you feel.

8. Avoid arguing with your spouse in front of your child. This is extremely difficult to do, especially in divorce situations, when egos and tempers often flare. Still, in the long run, it is absolutely best if parents can be civil to one another in front of the children.

9. Have your child ask questions. Answer all of them as honestly and completely as you can.

10. Expect your child to spend a long time adjusting to the new situation.

11. Make sure that no matter what the custody arrangement ends up being, the child spends time with both parents. Having positive influences from both the mother and father is extremely important to a child's emotional and psychological development.

Tips & Warnings

• If your child is having difficulty accepting the divorce, take him or her to a counselor or therapist.
• If you are having difficulty managing as a single parent or feel very depressed, see a counselor or therapist.
• Be patient with your child. Questions and issues will come up over time as your child deals with the divorce. Try to answer these questions and deal with these issues as best you can.
• If you and your spouse cannot be together without tension, then talk to your child separately about the divorce.
• If you or your child is in physical danger from your spouse, go to a safe house with your child, contact the police, and do everything necessary to protect yourselves. Worry about explaining things to your child later.

[momto2boys]

on 1/10/2009 Going thru a divorce, my husband moved out and moved right into a hotel with his GF and her 2 kids. Now living in a small rental now my kids are 2 & 4. My husband seems to think that our kids just look at her kids as playmates and that this isnt affecting them, that they dont know whats going on. Ok yea right ! My 4 yr old says he doesnt like da da's house and that her 4 yr old daughter hits my 2 yr old and says she hates him. Ok why in the world would he a grown man think that this isnt affecting the kids? Hello does he think they dont have brains to think for themselves? And this man I am to co parent with him? When he lies to me and calls me names in front of my kids? Boy Florida stinks when it comes to divorce and child custody issues because accourding to my att nothing can be done unless they are in grave danger . Yea whatever !

[DeathFromAbove]

on 6/7/2008 Divorce is wholly unhealthy to individuals and society. It's like a cancer. Want advice on helping your kid to understand divorce? Give him a dictionary and tell him to look up "divorce."

[JRIngrisano]

on 5/1/2008 Good effort but too simplistic and idealistic. It soumds as if what the parents have done (lack the guts and desire to put the kids first) is just fine. Doesn't work that way. When we divorce (and I've gone through two) it's a permanent screwing for our children ... no matter how much we'd like to sugar coat it.

on 11/22/2005 I am a child from a divorce, and even though it has been 4 years, my parents still argue all the time. Parents, just to let you know, once you get a divorce it might be hard to move on, but you really need to. It gets really stressful on the children.

on 11/22/2005 Speaking as a child of divorce, I am now 16 years old and desperately searching for closure on why my life was suddenly, permanently, screwed up and my parents are still sticking to their "The child doesn't need to know" theory. Please parents, I urge you, as your child grows up they will start searching for closure. Don't hide it from them. Let them get the closure that they need to move on with their life.