How to Avoid Taking Sides in a Friend's Divorce

Support a couple through their divorce by being a friend to both parties.

Divorce is devastating on a number of levels. It brings with it anxiety, anger, sadness and guilt. Unfortunately, the couple involved is not the only party affected; friends and family members are often invited (if not expected) to choose sides in the process. However, it is possible to be friends with and support a hurting couple without the burden of taking sides.

Instructions

1. Leave the advice to the experts. Avoid offering personal opinions about the couple's situation. Limit comments to your own personal experience, and refrain from making recommendations about what your friends should do. Strive to understand their situation and avoid condemnation and judgment toward either party. Practice the art of listening and invite your friends to seek counsel elsewhere, including a divorce attorney, marriage counselor, or church pastor.

2. Know your role. Ask the married couple what role they want you to play in their divorce, then set boundaries and decide when to say no. Be supportive to both parties and show unbiased compassion to their situation. As a supporting friend, your role should be fairly limited. Be available to watch their kids if the couple requires time after work or on weekends for resolving their conflict. Offer a hug when appropriate, or tissues as needed. Pray for the couple if so inspired.

3. Detach with Love. Protect your friendship with both parties by limiting your investment in their divorce - emotionally, mentally, physically and financially. Resist lending money to help with the financial drain of a divorce unless you can afford to help both spouses. Decline any requests to point out lies, coverups, or investigative efforts for the benefit of one spouse over the other. Rely on your answering machine to take messages if either spouse tries to negatively influence your opinion and relationship with the other. Be there for both parties, but take care of your needs in the process by not doing what they can each do for themselves.

Tips & Warnings

• Be cautious of any invitation to answer for your friends' whether divorce is right or wrong, or who is at fault; rather, respond to their combined need for comfort and an encouraging word during this difficult time.

References

• Gateway Leaders: Responding to a Friend's Divorce
• Professor's House: When Friends Divorce
• Alcoholic's Friend: Detaching From an Alcoholic