How to Reunite With Birth Parents

A reunion with a birth parent can address the imbalance caused by the disruption of your original family's structure. It can provide answers to questions you may be harboring about your birth parent and a chance to reconnect. It can be joyful and yet delicate to navigate. The majority of reunions typically require five to eight years for the child and birth parent to build a relationship, according to Adoption Matters. If the goal is to establish a relationship, then the reunion needs to be contemplated and planned.

Instructions

1. Consider the reasons behind your desire to reunite with your birth parent. Be honest with yourself and try not to inflate your expectations. View the reunion through a realistic lens. Your birth parent has not played a significant role in your life for many years, and vice versa. If and when you can forge a relationship with your birth parent, realize it will take time.

2. Call or write a letter to your birth parent to make contact. Prepare what you want to ask and say before you make the initial contact. Solicit the help of an experienced mediator if you find this process too painful. Whether or not a child should use a mediator to contact birth parents remains a controversial issue in the search and reunion field. Some contend that a skilled negotiator can help create a safe and positive atmosphere for communication. Others maintain that the very nature of a reunion calls for a spontaneous meeting between the two key people. Consider your own needs and state of mind, and make your own decision regarding use of a third party.

3. Share information in a befitting way. Avoid flooding your birth parent with questions or information. Be patient. Allow your birth parent time to answer if a question pops out in a reflexive way, such as "Who is my birth father?" or "Why did you leave me?" Don't assume that your birth parent is as excited to see you as you are to find him. Until you discuss the past, you may not know the history or circumstances behind your adoption, and your birth parent may never tell you.

4. Plan a meeting in a neutral place if you have further contact with your birth parent. Find a public place where both you and your birth parent have a way to leave, if necessary. Since the occasion already stirs anxiety, there is no need to add the fear of being trapped in an awkward situation. Keep the meeting brief and lighthearted. Remember that you are meeting a stranger even though you are related by genetics. Move to a private location if you and your birth parent feel at ease with each other.

5. Allow your birth parent time after the first meeting to assess the situation. Don't press for a relationship. Avoid hasty decisions about whether or not you want a relationship with your birth parent. Be honest about your own limitations and what you are prepared to give back.

6. Maintain an open mind. Avoid judging your birth parent or comparing him with your adoptive family. If you and your birth parent decide to pursue a relationship, talk about how you will address each other. For example, some adoptees find it difficult to use the word "Mom" for anyone but their adopted mother. Similarly, a birth parent may feel awkward being addressed as "Mom" or "Dad" by a child who has not been a part of their lives.

Tips & Warnings

• Maintain a sense of humor.

• Don't try and locate both birth parents at the same time unless they remain together. It may be too emotionally taxing.

References

• Dr Phil: Advice for Reuniting with a Biological Relative
• American Adoption Congress: Search and Reunion Etiquette: The Guide Miss Manners Never Wrote
• Adoption Matters: Planning and Approaching a Reunion

Resources

• Adoption.com: Adoption Search & Reunion
• Benevolent Society: Are You Wondering How to Respond to Contact From a Birth Relative?