How to Overcome Cheating in a Marriage

Many couples experience the pain of infidelity.

It's always unfortunate when one partner in a marriage is unfaithful. Trust is broken, feelings are hurt and fights ensue. Sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancies are possibilities. Moving past infidelity takes hard work and commitment to the marriage, but it can be done. Communicating honestly and addressing the problems that led to infidelity are crucial. When your spouse has been unfaithful and you want to put your marriage back together, there are several steps you can take to rebuild your relationship.

Instructions

1. 

   Get a thorough medical check-up to rule out sexually transmitted diseases.

   Address the issue of sexually transmitted diseases. While it's not a pleasant topic, if your partner has had unprotected sex, he's put you and himself at risk for a variety of infections. Whether he admits to unprotected sex or not, get a thorough checkup to rule out any STDs. Don't let pride or embarrassment stop you. Consult your physician and be frank about the reason for this exam so he can check for all possibilities. Insist that your partner do the same.

2. Ensure that the affair is over. You have no chance to rebuild your marriage if the other person is still in your spouse's life. Discuss with your spouse whether she is willing and able to cut off all contact with her lover. The affair must be over before healing can begin. For complicated situations -- when the person she had the affair with is a co-worker, neighbor or in-law -- it may be impossible to cut off all contact; however, recovery can still take place.

3. Take care of yourself. The aftermath of an affair is devastating. Treat yourself well with good food, plenty of rest, support from friends and other things that make you feel good. The affair does not have to take over your whole life. Continue living and do things that make you happy in spite of the momentary turmoil.

4. Take some time out. Don't be afraid to distance yourself from your spouse at this time. You need time to recover from this devastating revelation. It's natural to require personal space when someone's actions have hurt you. You don't have to cut off all contact, but you are well within your rights to take time to yourself to sort out your feelings.

5. Consult a marriage counselor. Often the involvement of a therapist or other impartial party is necessary to determine why the affair happened. Knowing why it happened is paramount to preventing it from occurring again in the future. There are usually problems that led up to the infidelity; get to the root of these problems, and work to resolve them.

6. Do not blame yourself. The affair didn't happen because you weren't thin enough, pretty enough, an exciting lover or a good enough cook. The key to the infidelity lies in your partner. Allow him to take responsibility for his actions and to work to change the underlying condition that caused him to do this. You are worthy and valuable as a person even though he had an affair.

7. Get to know each other again. An affair always creates distance in a marriage. Now that everything is out in the open, reacquaint yourselves with each other. This is a new phase of your marriage -- everything has changed. Take time to see the good in your spouse as she works to become a better person and re-strengthen the marriage. Go for walks, see a movie, grocery-shop together and spend lots of time talking.

Tips & Warnings

• Give yourself time to come to terms with all your feelings. Recovery from infidelity doesn't happen overnight, no matter how much you want to resume your normal life.

• Realize that some marriages emerge stronger after an affair once you deal with the underlying problems that preceded it.

• Not all marriages can, or should be, saved. If yours is one of those, seek legal advice and move forward with your life.

• Avoid the temptation to have an affair of your own to get even. This is never helpful and only compounds the problems in a marriage.

References

• Mayo Clinic: Infidelity: Mending Your Marriage After an Affair
• Marriage Builders: How to Survive Infidelity
• Beyond Affairs Network: Ten Strategies for Surviving Infidelity