How to Get Away From Spousal Physical Abuse

Fear is one of the hardest obstacles to overcome in getting away from spousal abuse.

Domestic violence is a difficult problem to deal with, as the feelings of both victim and abuser are complex and the emotional bond between them is not easily broken. A person who is being abused may take a long time to reach the conclusion that she must leave her abuser, and sometimes the careful preparation needed to safely get away can seem daunting. Many local and national programs have been established to assist victims of spousal abuse in navigating the legal, emotional and practical aspects of getting away from a violent spouse.

Instructions

Emotional Preparation

1. Realize that the abuse is not your fault and that you do not deserve to be mistreated. The abuser alone is responsible for his bad behavior.

2. Understand that abusers escalate mistreatment of their victims over time. It is important to begin planning to get away as soon as you recognize abusive behavior.

3. Get a counselor who can help you navigate the emotional roller coaster involved in admitting you are a victim of abuse and in working through the emotional and psychological damage that accompanies physical abuse.

Practical Preparation

1. Develop a safety plan. Your plan should include multiple exit routes from your home, hiding car keys in accessible places and creating a code word and action plan for a trusted friend who is willing to come to your assistance. Advise family and people at work, school and your place of worship that you are a victim of abuse and may be in danger.

2. Prepare for the future. Open a secret bank account and deposit small amounts as often as possible. Make copies of vital documents and keys and put them in a safe place. Stay sober and drug-free so you can think clearly and quickly in an emergency. Update your resume and improve your career skills in case you need to change jobs or get a job to provide for yourself after you leave. Discreetly move personal belongings to a storage facility or a friend's house.

3. Contact local assistance programs, such as a battered women's shelter or family counselor to determine what resources are available in your community.

4. Contact a lawyer to explore your legal options. You may need to file for a restraining order when you leave, and your legal representative needs be familiar with your situation before an emergency arises. You may also wish to discuss your state's divorce laws, so you understand what is required to make the separation permanent.

5. Leave. Once your plans are in place and you have some resources available, choose a time when your abuser is away, pack your bags and depart.

Tips & Warnings

• If possible, take your time to plan well. Detailed and careful planning makes it more likely that you will be able to get away from your abuser safely.

• If your abuser begins to escalate his abusive behavior, either by increasing the level of violence or by increasing the frequency of abuse, do not wait. Get away as quickly as possible and seek assistance from local law enforcement, your lawyer and your therapist.

References

• "Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men"; Lundy Bancroft; 2002
• Florida International University: Breaking Free from Domestic Violence
• Recovery Man: Abusive Relationships
• Lundy Bancroft: Assessing Dangerousness in Men Who Abuse Women

Resources

• National Domestic Violence Hotline, United States and Canada: 1-800-799-SAFE
• Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network Hotline: [phone]
• Mending the Sacred Hoop Domestic Abuse Intervention Program
• Minnesota Center Against Violence and Abuse
• Faith Trust Institute
• Women's Shelters: Nationwide Directory of Shelters for Women