How to Find Love Again in Marriage
Marriage is a dynamic, shifting relationship that requires effort to maintain. A busy schedule, a lack of communication and an unhealthy dose of resentment are likely to sour a relationship. According to Janice Kiecolt-Glaser in an ABC News article in 2010, this pattern can even lead to long-term problems with the health of both spouses. People change over time, and adapting to those changes together without resentment is key. To renew that loving feeling, you and your spouse will both need to agree to commit to these steps to a healthier relationship.
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Instructions
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Make time to talk. Nothing can be resolved if neither of you sets aside a time in your schedule when you can talk uninterrupted by outside distractions. Talk about what's bothering you using "I" statements and remaining calm.
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Take notes. Whether you each write down what you're hearing from one another, recording the conversation on an audio recorder or just making mental notes, these will help later after you have both had your say so you can look at what topics were most important for you both.
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Address each major conflict one by one. This may require several sessions of discussion, with days or weeks between, to allow for negative emotions to cool down or to make changes slowly to your routines that actively alter former patterns that did not work for you.
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Seek new ways of talking about conflicts so you can both be heard in the future. This will reduce the incidence of resentment and allow for you to adapt to necessary changes. Be sure, though, that you both have stated boundaries and principles so that a gentle reminder can be given should one of you begin to cross the other's stated lines. For example, if it bothers you to have your spouse use your nickname when angry, make sure he understands this so that if it happens again, you can make it clear that discussions will only continue when this is respected.
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Respect each other. This is not just important when addressing conflicts, but on a daily basis. The little signs of respect add up over time and improve your spouse's view of you and your relationship together.
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Go on adventures together. One thing that gets lost most easily in a marriage is that exciting sense of the new relationship energy. This can be corrected in simple ways, such as taking a new route home, taking a class together or going to a local event you might never have considered before. Experiencing something new together adds stronger bonds and creates stories you can share with one another.
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Date each other. Whether a casual night at the movies, a glitzy twirl around a nightclub dance floor or a formal dinner at a favorite restaurant, giving one another that much-needed together time will add to the romance of your relationship, no matter how long your marriage or what your ages.
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Be silly together. According to Stephanie Coontz from "The Washington Post," "[m]arriage as a private relationship between two individuals is taken more seriously and comes with higher emotional expectations than ever before in history." This doesn't mean you need to be serious within your marriage. There's nothing quite so tension-breaking as painting each other's faces or acting clownish while doing chores together.
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Laugh together and share in small joys, for these little moments from day to day make up a loving marriage.
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Tips & Warnings
When talking out issues, give each other breaks to cry or be silent or even walk away for a while to gain perspective before returning to the discussion.
Accusations will only stall discussion and close otherwise listening ears. Give each other the chance to speak.
Seek a professional counselor if you both find that your issues require greater mediation.
Contact a crisis center or the police if your spouse has engaged in abusive or threatening behavior. Your safety is of utmost importance.
References
- Photo Credit rings jewelry marriage image by Pali A from Fotolia.com
