How to Confront a Compulsive Liar
No matter what you want to believe, everyone lies from time to time. Most individuals are situational liars, but there are also habitual -- or compulsive -- liars. Compulsive liars are people who tell lies regularly, no matter what the situation. These individuals take comfort in lying, to the point where eventually it becomes a way of life -- second nature. Any attempt at telling the truth is hard and uncomfortable to a compulsive liar. Generally, this makes compulsive liars irrational and hard to deal with, let alone confront.
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Instructions
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In a relaxed setting, talk to your friend calmly and privately so he or she doesn't feel attacked. Bring up the issues of lying in a conversation. It is imperative that you keep the discussion a "conversation" and not make it feel like a "confrontation." Speak calmly and bring it up at an appropriate time, not when tensions are already running high.
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Phrase your concern in a non-judgmental manner. Focus on your own feelings in the situation and start the conversation by saying, "I've figured something out that is concerning me. It's about . . . and I want to be able to discuss it together."
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Be open and express your concern wholeheartedly to show your friend that you care. Express your concern wholeheartedly, without placing blame or passing judgment. Explain situations where the lying has hurt you or others. Tell him or her that you will be there no matter what, but you believe he or she needs to pay attention to habitual lying and how it affects those around him or her in order to recognize it as a problem.
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Avoid name-calling or pointing fingers, as this will cause frustration between both of you. Tell him or her that you know it feels safe to lie, but lying also creates unwanted stress. Try to show that you have done research and understand what you're talking about. Do not make it seem like an illness or a problem, but something that is actually quite normal and fixable.
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Wait for your friend to admit that he or she has a problem. One he or she does, move forward with helping your friend.
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Suggest counseling and therapy. Offer to go with him or her if he or she seems uncomfortable. Show as much support as possible.
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Stay supportive throughout every trial and error to help a compulsive liar better him or herself. Stay by his or her side throughout it all and understand that lying is an addiction.
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Tips & Warnings
If you approach the situation without judging but your partner is still denying and lying despite producing evidence to prove him or her wrong, he or she may have to hit rock bottom before he or she admits that she has a problem. Admitting the problem is the first step to recovery. Without this, it is nearly impossible to help a liar seek counseling.
Avoid blaming or attacking the liar as if he or she has a problem. Once he or she feels that you are attacking him or her, defenses will go up, including withdrawal, verbal attacks, anger and denial, all of which are defensive reactions. You will not get very far once the liar goes on the defense.
Avoid starting the conversation with accusing words like, "Did you . . . ", "I know that you . . . ", or "Why are you lying to me about . . . ". Any form of an accusation -- subtle or not. It almost always cause defensive reactions.
Never punish someone for lying. It is possible that out of fear, the individual will continue lying to avoid punishment. This is negative and unwanted.
Unfortunately, confronting any type of liar has the potential to make matters worse. No one likes to be accused of lying, especially a liar who already makes it difficult to acknowledge his or her own behavior. Blame shifts often take place, which puts more strain on the relationship.
References
Resources
- Photo Credit lie or not lie? image by Slyadnyev Oleksandr from Fotolia.com friends enjoying the view image by Quennie Chua from Fotolia.com two girls image by forca from Fotolia.com gossiping image by Renata Osinska from Fotolia.com
