How to Date After the Loss of a Spouse

Stepping into the dating scene stirs strong emotions in widowed singles.

Dating after the loss of a spouse leaves a widowed single feeling as though she is dangling on an emotional bungee cord. Nervousness and guilt---along with excitement over a new romance---are all normal, according to widows and widowers who have traveled that same pathway. They advise that what works for one person may not give the same comfort to someone else, especially when it comes to timing. Some widowed people are seeing someone within months after losing a spouse, while others take years to step back into the dating scene.

Instructions

Dating

1. Examine your reasons for wanting to meet other singles. Be certain that you are not escaping loneliness or craving intimacy, author Abel Keogh says in his online article titled "Open to Hope: 10 Dating Tips for Widows and Widowers." His wife died when she was seven months pregnant.

2. Talk about your deceased spouse without going overboard. Your late husband or wife continues to be part of your life experiences, and sharing stories with the new person in your life strengthens that budding relationship. Your date also is naturally curious about your past mate.

3. Accept those initial bursts of guilt. You might even feel as though you are cheating on your late spouse. But be candid with yourself if that guilt does not eventually subside, Keogh suggests. An overwhelming sense of betrayal may be a red flag that you are not ready right now.

4. Demonstrate your best manners. Etiquette is important when you are getting to know someone, which is easy for widowed singles to forget, because they lived with their spouses long enough to have stopped common courtesies such as holding doors or chairs.

5. Value yourself. Steer clear of anyone who is emotionally unavailable or abusive. Elaine Williams was a 47-year-old mother of three when her husband died of cancer. In her online article titled "Self Growth: Dating After Loss of a Spouse," she confesses to dating out of loneliness. She also discovered that she attracted more emotionally-available men when she allowed herself more time to heal and became more emotionally available herself.

6. Take your time. Rushing into a new relationship will only complicate your emotional state and result in more broken hearts, Keogh suggests.

7. Enjoy the moment when you start to fall in love again.

Tips & Warnings

• Anticipate critical comments from your family and friends, especially if you begin dating within that first year of your spouse's death. There is no magical timetable that tells when a widow or widower is ready to seek a new companion.

• Separate your date from your therapist. Your new companion might be a great listener, but dominating the conversation with memories of your spouse is a huge warning sign that you may be going out just to avoid being alone.

References

• Open To Hope: 10 Dating Tips for Widows And Widowers
• Self Growth: Dating After Loss Of A Spouse
• Funeral Resources: Grief And Loss: Romance Do's And Don'ts Following Loss