How do I Help Elderly Father Deal With Mother's Cancer?

Do not allow your father to isolate himself in times of sadness and grief.

The anticipated loss of a loved one can trigger depression in anyone. A syndrome called "anticipatory bereavement" or "anticipatory grief" happens when someone is grieving for a loved one suffering from a terminal illness. According to the National Cancer Institute, a family in anticipatory bereavement has the ability to say goodbye, settle misunderstandings, offer forgiveness and prepare for a different life. The Institute On Aging has some tips on how to help an elderly father dealing with his wife's cancer.

Instructions

1. 

   Organizations dedicated to cancer research frequently have local support groups for family members of cancer victims.

   Spend time with your elderly father. The Institute on Aging reports that many times a person dealing with loss and pain will isolate themselves. You may be dealing with not only your mother's cancer, but your father's inability to comprehend and process what is happening in his life. If your father is elderly and exhibits signs of dementia or depression, it's important he knows he is not alone in his grief. Spending time with him will help you understand his feelings and with understanding comes the opportunity to assist him with his profound sadness.

2. 

   Your family physician or gerontologist can provide emotional support.

   Involve a counselor. Whether you find someone through your local hospice organization or elderly support agency, it's important that you involve an outsider who can look at the situation objectively. Hospice counselors have special training for these situations. Your father may be making irrational decisions concerning your mother's care, causing her more pain and suffering than is necessary. Having an outsider to monitor these critical decisions will help meet the needs of the family and take the pressure off of you.

3. Join a support group recommended by hospice, your doctor or a community organization. Meeting with others who are going through similar situations will help you understand you father's needs and help you and your father connect with others. Your father may cultivate new friendships that will last long after the need for the support group passes. If he is reluctant to join a group on his own, go with him or send a sibling along for encouragement.

4. Schedule daily phone calls to your father from a support hot line, so that a professional can check in with him and give him an opportunity to talk to someone about his feelings. Sometimes it is easier to speak to a stranger about complicated relationships and emotions.

Tips & Warnings

• Involve your father's physician in your father's emotional care as well as his physical care. Gerontologists, especially, have a list of resources and advice for support during this difficult time.

• Contact your local hospice, area elder help line or hospital for referrals to groups and private counselors.

• Watch your father carefully for signs of extreme depression, excessive drinking or suicidal tendencies. According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, men are three to five times more likely to commit suicide than women, with elderly Caucasian men having the highest suicide rate.

References

• Institute on Aging: Counseling and Healing
• Cancer.Gov: Support and Treatment
• American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: Risk Factors

Resources

• Association for Death Education Counseling: Home Page
• Hospicenet: Home Page