How to Navigate "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" as a Gay Military Partner

As a partner of a queer soldier, you'll have to get used to hiding your relationship.

The "Don't ask, don't tell" policy makes it illegal for soldiers to have same-sex relationships while they serve in the U.S. military. If you're the partner of one of these soldiers, there aren't a lot of resources for you. Because the law requires you and your partner to keep silent, you may not know anyone else in your situation. But if you tread carefully, it's possible to get through your partner's term of service with a minimum of stress.

Instructions

1. Get used to lying about who you are. You may have been out since you were 3, but that ended when you entered a relationship with a soldier. Do whatever it takes to deflect attention from you and your partner. If you look similar, tell people you're cousins. Avoid saying you are friends--it's an ambiguous and transparent term. Collect accessories that make you look straight--for instance, a woman could wear a T-shirt that says "I Love My Boyfriend."

2. Maintain a low profile in public. According to the text of the law, the three things that can get your partner discharged are statement, act, and marriage. This means that if you and your partner do anything gay in public--whether it's holding hands or holding an elaborate wedding--you're putting her at risk. Get used to keeping your distance from each other. Avoid making familiar gestures.

3. Monitor your communications. Assume that anything going through a military channel will be read. Never, ever send anything to your partner's military email account. In fact, it's best if you don't even know the address. When sending paper letters, omit anything that refers to your gender on the envelope. This is especially important if your partner lives on base or is deployed. If he's deployed, censor the text of your letters as well. Either fabricate a false identity that's a different gender from your partner, or avoid references to the nature of your relationship. Watch what you say on military phone lines as well.

4. Know your rights. Read the text of the actual law. Find out about cases where servicemembers were discharged. Not only will this help you remember what's acceptable, but it will also make it harder for enemies to intimidate you and your partner.

5. Maintain contact with your partner's family. If anything unexpected happens to your partner, you will be reliant on them to let you know. If your partner isn't out to her family, find a cousin or a friend who has contact with her and is sympathetic to your situation. If all else fails, lie and pretend you are a concerned friend or classmate.

6. Keep flaming to a minimum. Don't plaster rainbow stickers all over a shared car or house. Technically, servicemembers are not prohibited from sporting gay memorabilia, according to the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network. But the military has shown that it doesn't always play by the rules.

7. Seek out other queer military partners. This is easier said than done, but they're out there. If your partner knows another queer person at work, ask if she can put you in contact with that person's partner. The Campaign for Military Partners, launched in May 2010, provides resources and a forum for queer partners (see Resources).

8. Find a place where you can be yourselves. The pressure of leading a double life can seriously strain a relationship. This place could be your own house, as long as no one who could blow your cover visits. It could be the gay bar over in the next state. Or it could be a cabin in the woods that no one knows about. Whatever your place is, go there as often as you can.

Tips & Warnings

• Because of growing opposition, "Don't ask, don't tell" may not be around much longer. Keep abreast of changes to the law. The Servicemembers' Legal Defense Network posts regular updates (see Resources).

• Don't tell just anyone that your partner is in the military. The more people who know a secret, the more likely it is that you could be blackmailed.

References

• Cornell University Law School: Policy Concerning Homosexuality in the Armed Forces
• Servicemembers' Legal Defense Network: The "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Survival Guide

Resources

• The Campaign for Military Partners
• Servicemembers' Legal Defense Network