How to Become a Werewolf

You need not suffer from lycanthropy, the mental disease of werewolves, to become a wolfman. Below are some shortcuts to becoming a wolf.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Sleep on the ground in an open field on a Friday night when the moon is full. Many Europeans who lived several centuries ago approved of this method.
2. Drink water from a wolf's footprint. Two hundred years ago, Balkan natives thought this act would surely help you grow hair and fangs.
3. Satisfy your thirst in certain magical bodies of water, although the whereabouts of these are unknown. If you find that discouraging, drink wherever wolf packs drink.
4. Transform yourself by eating a wolf's brains. Just follow the easy instructions listed in the Wicked Witch's Cookbook (author unknown).
5. Find a French priest and have him put a hex on you. Many incorrigibles were purportedly disciplined in this way in the centuries prior to the 1800s.

The following multistep method was once considered foolproof by many believers. Please, do not try this at home.

6. Go on top of a hill where the full moon can shine upon you. Then at midnight, draw two circles on the ground: one 3 feet in diameter, surrounded by the second, which should be 7 feet in diameter.
7. Build a fire in the middle of the two circles and place a cauldron over it.
8. Add henbane, opium, hemlock, aconite, poplar leaves, soot and cooking oil to this steaming concoction.
9. If one or more of those magical ingredients can't be found at the grocery store, try mixing cowbane, sweet flag, cinquefoil, bat's blood and belladonna into the quagmire. Say a number of enigmatic incantations as the recipe boils.
10. Be creative, reciting things like, "Spirits of earthbound dead that glide with noiseless tread, be kind to me."
11. Remove your clothes and smear yourself from head to toe with the magic ointment. Make sure it's cooled.
12. Drape a wolf skin over your body, or maybe a wolf skin belt, three fingers wide. Kneel in the moonlight and come up with some more chants. Strike the ground with your head three times - and watch out for them silver bullets!

Tips & Warnings

• Mix a little flower into the vat for thickening.