How do I Handle Put Downs From Close Relatives?

A relative that puts you down is not your fault.

Put-downs come in the form of name calling, humiliating statements, degrading remarks and any other comment that is intended to chip away at your self-esteem or self-worth. Putting an end to put-downs from acquaintances may be as simple as putting a great deal of distance between yourself and that person. Dealing with a close relative could be more complicated. You deserve to be respected as an individual by those around you, especially by those that are your close relatives.

Things You'll Need

• Friend (optional)
• Mirror (optional)
• Tape recorder (optional)

Instructions

1. Do not ignore your feelings or your gut instinct. If you feel you are receiving put-downs you may experience feelings of inadequacy, stress or other anxiety, especially when you're around the offending relative. If you don't feel like the relative should be speaking to you that way, regardless of your age, then that relative probably should not be speaking that way to you.

2. Ignore the behavior on a consistent regular basis. If you haven't tried anything else, this may show the offending relative that their put-down tactics are no longer eliciting the response they were intended for. Do not feel bad for doing so as you are more valuable than the remarks.

3. Respond to the relative with a "fogging" technique, meaning you acknowledge the relative's point of view, without actually acknowledging the put down is true. For example, if your sister says something like "You're ugly," you can respond with saying, "Everyone is beautiful in their own way and beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

4. Respond to "You always (fill in the blank)," statements with "I know I have a set way of doing things, but this duty just needs to get done now. Will you help me with (fill in the blank)?"

5. Ask for specific, factual clarification to keep the conversation on facts and the current issue. For example, take a vague put-down like "You're dumb," and respond with asking for specifics such as "What part of this process do you think I'm not understanding? Could you base your assessments from the paperwork we're working from?"

Tips & Warnings

• Practice role playing with a trusted friend that does not participate in put-downs. Have your friend read a list of put-downs in a monotone voice, one at a time and practice responding to the put-down until it becomes easier for you. If you are not comfortable with this, practice alone in front of a mirror or using a tape recorder.

• According to "Working with Battered Women: A Handbook for Healthcare Professionals," a spouse or significant other that uses put-downs on a regular basis in an effort to control or manipulate a partner is in the first phase of domestic violence called "Tension Building." Put-downs on a regular basis by other close relatives can also be an indicator of an effort to control or manipulate you. This is not your fault. If responding to the put-downs do not end the behavior from the close relative and you are not able to create distance from the relative, seek help from your local police department. Police departments carry information about organizations that provide mental, emotional and physical support for people needing to escape these types of situations.

References

• International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies: Working with Battered Women
• Balanced Business Ladies: Problematic Relatives
• Team Technology: Stop Put-Down Behavior
• Team Technology: Textbook Techniques