How to Know If It's OK to Lie on Your Online Dating Profile
Just for a moment, imagine that you're a product, like a box of cereal. You're on the shelf in a supermarket along with all the other brands of cereal. How do you get the customer to pick you? You need to have nice packaging, of course, and catchy phrases that describe why you're better than the other brands. Or think of yourself as a car. Unfortunately, you're a used car, but if you've been driven 42,000 miles, might you be better off saying that you have 39,000 miles, especially since you've taken such good care of yourself. You really don't look like you're a car with over 40,000 miles?
The truth is, when you join an online dating site, there's a temptation to lie. As strange as it might sound, you are just like a product competing with hundreds of other products. What does it take to achieve your goal of finding Mr. or Ms. Right?
Many people do lie on their profiles, even people who consider themselves to be honest.
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Instructions
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To lie or not to lie on your online dating profile?
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Determine whether you can lie. To lie or not to lie is not necessarily a matter of should you lie, but can you lie. Of course, no one should lie, but many people see shades of gray when they write their profiles. They differentiate between big lies and little lies, between lies that harm and lies that aren't harmful. They differentiate between lies that are self-sustaining and lies that are quickly undone.
Some people start out by being perfectly honest in their online dating profiles and realize that perhaps they are being too honest, giving too much information too soon. Or perhaps they discover that their honestly is being misunderstood, as in the person who characterizes his drinking habits as "doesn't drink" and learns that women who read his profile think that he's a recovering alcoholic when in fact he just doesn't like the taste of liquor. He decides to lie and check off the "social drinker" choice. Now that's a lie, and it could backfire. For example, a woman who loves wines and wouldn't think of dining with someone who won't partake in a bottle of fine wine is not going to be happy when she learns the truth about this "social drinker."
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Lying about your age. The older you are, the more tempting it is to lie about your age, especially if you really do look younger than your chronological age. This is especially prevalent among women, but men lie about their age too.
The caveat, of course, is that age is just a number. It's really more about how you look and feel. After all, what's 35? What's 55? There are 35-year-olds who act older, and even feel older, than healthy 55-year-olds.
The key here is the photo. Lie about your age, and post an old photo, especially if you're a woman, and you're in big trouble. Lie about your age, and post a recent photo that really looks like you, and most men are fine with it, as long as you confess to your real age no later than the first meeting.
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Lying about where you live. What if you live in a small, unknown area 60 miles outside a large city? What if you don't mind, maybe you even enjoy, hanging out in the city? You find any excuse to drive in, and you're always willing to meet a prospective match there. Someday, you'd even consider relocating. And what if by saying on your profile that you live in the large city, more eligible singles will see your profile because they screen out anyone who lives outside, say, a 30-mile or even 45-mile radius from the city? Wouldn't it make sense to lie about where you live?
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Lying about your physical characteristics. Studies have shown that men lie about their height and women lie about their weight. Neither is a good idea.
A man who writes that he's 5'8" when he's really 5'4" is going to have a problem when he meets a woman for the first time, even if she's 5'2". Women are very particular about a man's height, even if he's great-looking and has a great sense of humor.
A woman who says that she is thin when she is overweight and posts a photo of herself from the neck up is setting herself up for instant failure. Men have been burned so many times, they will walk away from a woman who has misrepresented her body type. They won't even waste their time over a cup of coffee, even if the woman has a pretty face and a nice personality. Even a woman saying that she's average when she's really overweight ends up in disappointment. And men who have been burned too many times have learned to ignore profiles of women who say they are average and only post a from-the-neck-up photo.
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Lying about your marital status. When people lie about their marital status, it's usually because they're in the process of a divorce, but not legally divorced yet. Men, especially, don't want to date women who are not legally divorced. They may assume that the woman is still not over their ex; they think that there will be a reconciliation; they worry that they could be implicated in the divorce proceedings. Women don't want to date men who are not legally divorced for the same reasons. Plus, when there are drawn-out legal battles, it tends to make it difficult to stay focused on the positive. It's hard to stay focused on building a new relationship. When none of these issues are relevant, it's sometimes easier, and smarter, to call yourself "divorced" instead of "legally separated." Yes it's a lie, but you know it's not going to be a lie forever, and you also know more eligible singles will respond favorably to your profile.
Some people in their 40s and older feel that saying they're divorced even though they've never been married is also a lie worth telling because they fear the stigma of being older and never married. The stigma is that there has to be something wrong with a person who's over 40 and never married. Of course, there's usually a good reason, and when people lie, it's because they at least want a chance to tell their reason for never having been married when they're having face-to-face contact.
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Tips & Warnings
Be sure to tell the person you're interested in pursuing what lies you've told in your profile as soon as possible. If you've lied about your age, the ideal time to confess is when you have your first face-to-face meeting. However, often the person on the other end of a phone conversation, or in an email exchange, will ask point blank, "Is that your real age?" These are usually the people who have been burned in the past. When asked directly, it is important to tell the truth, and be sure to add, "But my photos are current" or "My photos are recent." "Recent" should mean within the past year.
There are people who will not tolerate lies, no matter how small you think your lies are. Hopefully, these people will have indicated their position in their profiles. It is not unusual to read a profile that says, "If you've lied about anything in your profile, don't bother contacting me." Pay attention to the message. The person who wrote that statement is telling the truth.
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- Photo Credit notebook computer image by Lisa Eastman from Fotolia.com
