How To Deal With Mother-in-Laws
Mother-in-law jokes are a dime a dozen, but in truth, some mothers-in-law can be genuinely difficult. They intrude at inappropriate points, presume to dictate how you live your life, and let you know in subtle and demeaning ways that you don't measure up in their eyes. Mothers-in-law don't go away--they were a part of your partner's life long before you came along--but you can reach an accommodation with them, and help them integrate more smoothly into your life.
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Instructions
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Work to understand where your mother-in-law is coming from. As difficult as she might be, she likely believes that she's helping you: giving you sound advice and enjoying the presence of her family. If you can cotton to her motives, it becomes easier to find a middle ground where you both can communicate and respect each other.
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Talk to your partner. He or she may not be aware of the difficulties you're having with your mother-in-law, and can provide insight and support to help you. Don't approach it as a confrontation, but rather with an eye on resolving the issue amiably. Spell out your concerns in clear terms and talk to your partner about possible solutions. Ask her to support you, but make it clear that you're not asking her to choose between your mother-in-law and you.
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Define the specific problem areas created by your mother-in-law: the things she does which you feel are inappropriate. Perhaps she gives your children gifts at inappropriate times, or invites herself over without telling you first. Write down a list with your partner of the problem areas, then discuss possible solutions to them.
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Set firm boundaries to what is and is not appropriate and communicate them to your mother-in-law in gentle but firm terms. State your position clearly and tell her what the consequences will be. If she tests them, refuse to go along with her games; don't enable her by letting her do what she wishes. Stick to your guns and ask your spouse to do the same.
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Offer olive branches when you can. Ask to see your mother-in-law away from your partner and do things that she's interested in. Pay her compliments on those qualities you like, and try to be there for her when she needs a leg up. She'll get to know you better, and hopefully realize that you're not a threat to her relationship with her child.
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Tips & Warnings
Stay calm when your mother-in-law behaves inappropriately. If you lose your temper, it just makes things worse. If you can keep an even keel--and even look at the situation with a sense of humor--you'll be able to respond much more effectively.
