How to Deal With a Mother-in-Law
Stand-up jokes aside, dealing with your mother-in-law can be a considerable chore. Every mother-in-law is different, but some are intrusive, abrasive and presume to know what's best for your family (such as ignoring children's bedtimes or letting them watch adult TV shows), while ignoring your own wishes and concerns. Your mother-in-law will always be a part of your spouse's life, which means you need to find ways of dealing with her over the long term. It's not always easy, but you can reach an accommodation while still maintaining your independence and freedom.
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Instructions
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Talk to your spouse. He or she deserves to know the difficulties you're having with your mother-in-law, and can often provide suggestions about resolving the issue. Never ask your spouse to choose between the two of you; instead, approach him or her in the spirit of cooperation and ask for support in finding a solution. Be honest about your feelings and communicate as clearly as possible. Your spouse can act as a diplomat and otherwise approach your mother-in-law in ways that you can't.
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Work to see things from your mother-in-law's perspective. No matter how shrewish or infernal she may seem, she's probably acting in what she feels is your best interest. Work to understand where she's coming from, instead of just assuming that she's the devil. It helps you to meet her halfway when you can.
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Set boundaries and ensure that she sticks to them. While you may need to be flexible in certain situations, your life is your life. If you don't want her dropping in unannounced, giving your kids candy before dinner or making plans for all of you without consulting you first, explain to her politely but firmly that you need her to stop. If she persists, refuse to go along with her plans and let her know why. Clear communication is important in such circumstances. Make sure she understands your rules and she knows why you're acting the way you do when you enforce them.
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Make peace offerings. Take time to see her one-on-one and participate in activities that she enjoys. Compliment her on her positive qualities and be kind to her when she needs a leg up. You'll get to know her better and understand where she's coming from. Hopefully, she'll emerge with a greater understanding of who you are and become easier to deal with.
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Tips & Warnings
Keep your temper and your sense of humor when dealing with your mother-in-law. Anger never helps, and a calm demeanor allows you to address your grievances with a better chance at resolving them.
No matter how tough your mother-in-law may be, she loves your spouse as much as you do. If you can look at the relationship in those terms, you can better connect with her and resolve your differences more readily.
In worst-case scenarios where you mother-in-law just doesn't respond to your overtures, it may be necessary to sever connections with her. Talk your spouse about it and make sure he or she understands your feelings. Thereafter, when plans entail your mother-in-law, exercise your right not to be involved in them---to stay home or do something else rather than interact with her---or ask that she not be invited.
