How to Fix a Relationship After an Affair

Partners should focus on why their relationship is worth saving after an affair.

Adultery is often one of the most challenging obstacles that may arise for couples. According to Menstuff.org, 37 percent of men and 22 percent of women admit to having affairs. What this data does not provide is how an affair affects a relationship and, more importantly, how relationships can be salvaged after adultery.

Instructions

1. Be truthful about the origins of the affair. In most cases, affairs arise after some breakdown in the relationship. In order to recover from the infidelity, couples must not simply deal with the symptom (the affair); they must seek the disease (the issues that led to the affair). This can be difficult because the person who has been cheated on may be unwilling to take any responsibility for the adultery. According to Psychology Today, both partners must be willing to identify the factors that prompted the behavior.

2. Talk openly about the affair. Although this may be difficult, the adulterer should be honest about the events of the affair. This can begin to restore trust in the relationship and prove that the adulterer is not hiding further betrayals.

3. Keep an open mind. When a woman has been betrayed by her partner, she may feel angry, hurt and deceived. She must not buckle beneath these emotions because they have the power to become all-consuming. Instead, she must try to distance herself from the affair and recognize how her partner could have strayed. Again this is not about justifying, but simply placing herself in her partner's shoes as a way to compassionately understand his behavior.

4. Consider why the relationship is worth saving. Talk about what aspects of the relationship are good and how it can be salvaged. For instance, "our marriage is worth saving because we love each other and our children, we have fun together and we're best friends." This shifts the focus of your relationship away from the infidelity and back to the positive factors that make it a good one.

5. See a counselor. The highly charged emotions that result from infidelity can make even simple conversations as complex as trigonometry. Marriage counselors and therapists have specific training to assist couples in this difficult transition. They also serve as unbiased mediators who can guide the couple back to the important topics when feelings threaten to derail progress.

6. Make the necessary changes. Changes should be worked out together and with a counselor, and are an important aspect of overcoming the affair. For instance, if a spouse cheated with a work colleague, he may have to leave his company or transfer to a new location. Some of these changes may be big ones, but for trust to be restored, they are often crucial.

7. Have patience. Overcoming an affair is not easy, especially for the partner who feels betrayed. According to TwoOfUs.org, several stages occur after an affair. These include a period of crisis, disorganization, loss of belief, shattered dreams and (later) reorganization and redefinition of the relationship. There is no easy timeline for these stages and trust is often restored after the cheating partner has proven himself over time and both partners have stayed committed to repairing the damage.

References

• Psychology Today: Is there Marital Life after an Affair?
• Men Stuff: Infidelity Statistics
• Two of Us: Rebuilding Trust in Your Marriage after an Affair