How to End a Verbally Abusive Relationship

No one deserves to be verbally abused.

Unlike in a physically abusive relationship, the victim in a verbally abusive relationship shows no outward signs of injury and may not believe she is in any real danger. However, it's best to end a verbally abusive relationship, not only to protect your self-esteem and mental health but also because there is a high correlation between verbal abuse and eventual physical abuse. The goal of most abusers is control over their victims. Abusers who find verbal threats and put-downs ineffective will often resort to physical abuse as a means of regaining control.

Instructions

1. Identify and label verbally abusive situations. Do not be reluctant to label someone's words as "abuse." Don't make excuses such as "my boyfriend is just really stressed out right now" or "I probably did something to deserve it." As long as you continue to rationalize, internalize and place blame on yourself, you won't label situations appropriately. Once you can definitively say, "This is abuse and I don't deserve it," you will be able to start taking steps to get out of the relationship. Some signs of verbal abuse are name-calling, threats, intense mood swings, repetitive abuse and apology, and twisting your words to cause strife. Others include making derogatory remarks about appearance, intelligence or worth; accusing you of cheating or wrongdoing without reason or evidence; and blaming you for things that are irrational or outside your control.

2. Create a support network. Often a victim's self-esteem dwindles to the point where it is almost impossible to stand up for himself alone. Talk to friends, relatives or a counselor. Explain you are thinking about leaving and ask for their support. You will need to be around people who are uplifting and strong-willed before and after ending the relationship. If you go it alone, you may find it too difficult to escape from the mental and emotional control of your abuser. If you are living with your abuser, you will need a new place to stay until you can get back on your feet. Ask to stay with friends or family.

3. Take possession of any belongings before breaking up with your abuser. If you live together, have your furniture and other things removed while he or she out of the house.

4. Avoid in-person contact when breaking up with your abuser. Write a letter, send an email or even use a text message to say you no longer wish to be together. Don't feel obligated to provide a long, detailed account of why you are leaving; that will only cause your abuser to try to argue with you over your reasons.

5. Cut off all contact. Have your abuser's number blocked on your phone, and block emails and social networking site messages. If you see him in social situations, try to leave as soon as possible. The longer you go with no contact, the higher your chances of not falling back into the relationship.

6. File a restraining order if your abuser refuses to leave you alone. If you are not familiar with the court system, you may need to have an attorney help you with this step. However, there are many nonprofit agencies throughout the country that will help you file the necessary documents for free.

References

• Mental Health Today: Abusive Relationships and Toxic Guilt
• Teens Health: Abusive Relationships