How to Build Self-Esteem After a Verbally Abusive Relationship

Talk about your experiences with a trusted individual and allow loving words to take the place of harmful ones.

When you have been in a verbally abusive relationship, you often end up "owning" some of the mental images and ideas that you were told about yourself by your partner. These thoughts can begin to sink in and affect your everyday behavior; therefore, it is important to do some self-analysis to distinguish truth from lies and your thoughts from your partner's thoughts. Healing takes time, practice and patience.

Things You'll Need

• Journal
• Writing utensil

Instructions

Journaling

1. 

   A journal is a safe way to explore your emotions.

   Try free association writing first, writing whatever comes to your mind. Freely write, and do not censor your thoughts or worry about things like punctuation or grammar. You are purging yourself of the thoughts in your head in the safest of places.

2. List specific thoughts you have regarding your relationship. Dig deep into the nuances and sources of those thoughts by asking yourself leading questions. As an example, you may often find yourself thinking, "I was so stupid for ever dating him." You can ask yourself and answer questions such as, "Why did I start dating him, and what honestly attracted me to him at first?" "When did I start seeing him change?" "Where did this word 'stupid' come from, and why am I applying it to myself?"

   The point of this exercise is to gain awareness and understanding of the abusive thoughts that are now part of your thought-process, to separate what is truth from what is a lie and to regain control of your mind.

3. Write down all of your fears. Pinpoint those that give you the most anxiety, and allow yourself to explore the roots of those fears. Analyze them by continuing to ask yourself, "If that happens or is true, then what?" Here is what this might look like:

   "Nobody will ever date me." Then what? "Then I will never get married." Then what? "Then I will be single forever." Then what? "Then I will watch my friends living happily with their families." Then what? "Then everyone will feel sorry for me and invite me to events out of guilt." And so on.

   The interesting thing about fears is that the less we acknowledge them, the more control they have over us. Allow yourself to investigate your fears, and you will regain control.

Rebuilding Healthy Relationships

1. 

   Healthy relationships are possible.

   Think of the individuals in your life who offer you support. You may need to have an honest conversation with these people and discuss the events of your abusive relationship. Perhaps your relationship with this friend or family member was damaged by your relationship with your ex as well. Allow this individual to express her feelings as you express yours.

2. Find a therapist who understands the nature of verbal abuse and allows you to express yourself clearly and thoroughly. Good therapists will ask you leading questions, will not judge you, will focus on you and your needs and will help you solve your own problems rather than only giving advice.

3. Be honest about past abuse with significant future relationships as well. Do so in your own time and only if you feel safe and in control. As you grow closer to people, this will help them to understand you more deeply and will shed some light on some of your fears and insecurities. Especially when you have a healthy intimate relationship in the future, being honest about your past will help to separate fears from realities.

Focus on Truth

1. 

   Above all, learn to distinguish truth from lies.

   Cut off all ties with the person or people who have abused you. You do not deserve to surround yourself with anyone who is harmful to you, lies to you or constantly brings you down.

2. Counter any lies that may creep up into your mind with a truth. When you think, "I am a lazy slob," tell yourself, "No, I am hard-working and diligent."

3. Have trusted confidants tell you repeatedly what your good qualities are.

4. Do activities that make you feel your best --- working out, participating in sports or hobbies, volunteering, visiting old friends or doing work around the house.

Tips & Warnings

• This article is not meant to substitute for guidance from a professional therapist.

References

• Verbal Abuse: And Therapy