How to Tell the Kids About Separation and Divorce

Even if you and your spouse are commencing a "civil" separation and eventual divorce, there are few experiences in life more heart-wrenching than having to tell this to your children. Although there are techniques to employ regarding how to tell the kids about separation and divorce, the final reality is that you never really are fully prepared for this task. Nonetheless, you and your spouse must sit down with your kids and discuss your separation and divorce with them sooner rather than later.

Things You'll Need

• List of shared goals

Instructions

1. Decide whether or not your children are best served being told about your separation and divorce together or individually. The guiding factor in this regard is the age of the children. An explanation of the state of your marriage needs to be age appropriate. Therefore, if there is a more significant age difference between your kids (high school and elementary school age children, for example) you will want to consider meeting with them individually or in separate "groups" based on age.

2. Arrange for both you and your spouse to sit down and talk to your children together. The exception to this plan is if you and your spouse are at a juncture in your own relationship where you simply are not in a position to pull off such a joint session with your kids in an even-handed and civil fashion. If that is the problem, both you and your spouse need to talk individually with your children to emphasize that you both will be a part of their lives today and into the future.

3. Use supportive aids in conversing with your children about separation and divorce. There are age-appropriate books and DVDs on the market that are helpful in opening and maintaining lines of communication between you and your children. Keep in mind that the best products of this nature are those that you read or watch together with your children.

4. Set reasonable expectations for your children. Do not lie to them about what the future has in store in regard to your relationship with your spouse. While you do not need to dive into unnecessary details about your marital status, do not (under any circumstances) give your kids false hope that you and your spouse will reconcile.

5. Prepare with your children a written list of shared goals. As with the actual conversations with your children, the goals list needs to be age appropriate. With this list outline what both you and your children want to maintain and accomplish while a divorce is pending or in the aftermath of a separation. For example, list not only that you and your children will spend time together but include what types of activities you will enjoy.

References

• "The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive;" Robert Emery; 2006
• "What in the World Do You Do When Your Parents Divorce? A Survival Guide for Kids;" Kent Winchester & Roberta Beyer; 2001
• American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry: Children and Divorce

Resources

• Children and Divorce